Monday, January 31, 2005

Mastering Firsts

I went to the gym alone today. There was a special kind of freedom to the act, an independence that did me good, although I missed my partner in crime. I had a strut to my movements, a proud tilt to my spine, and a sense of accomplishment from such a small thing. But some tiny steps are huge upon closer reflection.
Mastering firsts is my agenda of late. I have given much time and effort to small firsts, in the past few month, linking them together to make a pattern of unbroken forward motion. Like a connect the dot puzzle, I go from one to the one that grows from it in a natural line without any notion of what the picture will be when it is completed.
My only resolution for this year was to accomplish as many firsts as possible in 2005. Virgin territory is my destination. Small steps or large will not matter as much as taking any step forward at all. I notice each, giving importance to every motion that carries me someplace wondrous I have never visited before. I hold the map, I carry the compass, and I own every mile traveled.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

What Would You Say??

What would you say if you only had 3 more sentences left to say? Would you ask questions or council, say sorry or I forgive? I have tried to say whatever needed saying while I went along, so I have countless options. Today my mind lingered on this concept and I list my chosen 3, because I may not know the time of my departing and want to leave them behind, since I am suddenly mindful of the notion.
1-Walk the path that belongs to you, not blindly, but with the vision and passion that only comes from treading fated ground.
2-Never stop believing that magic can and does occur, but face your reality, changing what is changeable and accepting the rest with grace.
3-Strive for a life that ever changes, an endless evolution of positive growth aimed toward internal balance, then even if you own little else you will own all that really matters.
With that bit of business settled, I can continue to say whatever needs saying as I go, taking comfort from the knowledge that I have already said what would be said if I only had three. What would you say?


Saturday, January 29, 2005


When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Benevolent
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything


Thursday, January 27, 2005

Middle Ground

Just so everyone knows, things brought to journey's end of a personal nature are tended to with a private touch. I may not always answer comments in post form for every eye to see, but I do always answer them. Some things are not meant for public consumption.
Heartaches are important, no matter the type of wounding, or who held the weapon. But I do not spell everything out in tiny detail for a reason. This place is a place of healing. I will dig as deeply as necessary into solutions, but dwelling upon my own countless woundings in minute detail at this stage of my healing, and in this forum is not an option.
As far as I can tell emotional pain comes in two forms. The ones other's cause, and the ones you cause yourself. If I share the salve that helped me heal both types that has much more value than simply showing you pictures of gaping holes inspired by either. If I say enough to convice you that I know what walking wounded feels like at different stages of healing and you pay it forward by examining your own pain in a hopeful way then that is a huge way to use this space. And to use it to its fullest new readers should start reading in the archives from first post to last by date. Some questions asked are already answered there, and my own growth is visible in action that way. Reading from today on is like starting a book in the middle.
I wake up every morning thinking new thoughts about ordinary subjects. I freefall with delight. I share that experience gladly. This mornings waking thought consisted of two questions. What keeps me awake? What puts me to sleep? If I consider them with enough attention to detail I can write about them soon. Keep reading, I will keep writing, and we can continue meeting on middle ground.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Layer Strength

Well, it is day 16 and I am still on task and smoke free. I go to the gym regularly now too, which is turning out to be such a positive thing in my life. It helps me to work off any nervousness and aggression that comes from detox. It helps me to keep my weight in check. It gives me change in action. It makes me feel more in control. To grow causes evolution. Today is fuller than yesterday because growth is healthy, I am stronger in body and mind due to my change of focus.
People are layered beings. To ignore any part weakens the whole, but tending to each in turn strengthens all. I love the gym so much that I plan on making it a lifetime change. There are people of all ages and abilities there, so I will always fit in somewhere. And tending body will be a habit in no time at all, as vital as the cigarettes used to be. I focus on positives and this is a new passion, effort and pleasure in equal measure.
I do not wish to focus on only the heartaches of life, which I see as inevitable, but on healing, which I see as voluntary. You can always choose how you travel, even though you can not always choose the terrain you travel through. Validate your heartaches with knowledge gleamed from agony then detox. Rid yourself of the echoes of pain by changing focus. Exercise healthy growth and I will see you all at harvest time.


Sunday, January 23, 2005

Dear Anonymous

Yes, my heart has been broken, countless times, actually. For twenty years I suffered from almost daily heartache. But I finally wised up and stomped away, resolute not to be a willing victim anymore. My husband followed me and for a time life was great.
Then he got cancer...And my heart broke every day for him....And for me.....And for his children....And for his grandchildren. And then he died, inspiring more heart break of a different shade and depth.
Hearts are broken in varying ways. Some pain is sharp and quick and drives you instantly to your knees. Some ache in a way that simply leaves you numb. Some blindsides, sneaking up when you are unaware and causes noisy tears, or silent agony, or sounds of an animal nature from soul deep places. I understand pain well, for a lifetime its been my almost constant companion. But joy lives here too. And hope, and love of life, and hunger to do more than simply take up precious space.
Heartbreak causes change when we let it. It warns of danger when we heed it. It teaches valuable lessons when we validate it. I travel past my pain by letting it help me grow. I share my pain to help others pass theirs. I have learned more about joy from the heartaches of my life than from the happy times. My life is good now, but it did not unfold without effort.
Pain is what made me irate enough to grow a backbone. Pain is what forged me strong enough to not settle for less than I deserve now. I earned every good thing that happens from now on. It is my lifepath to encourage others to find happiness within themselves in spite of life's heartbreaks. I know it is possible, I live it every day.
Thank you for your question, interaction makes this place larger, expanding my reach in a way not possible if I just yadda, yadda, yadda alone. Sincerly, Glenda

Problem Lister Or Solver?

I hate telephones, and that hate costs me sometimes. I went to bed at 10pm on Saturday night, which is no biggie really, since I had no plans and my body is still in detox mode. At 10:39 a call I had been hoping for came, but of course the phone was turned off to block all the ones I did not want. Several more followed so that I have enough missed calls and messages to wallow in if it were my way, which it is not.
My lesson is clear. I must leave the telephone on and answer it every time it rings. I must call cable company and get computer hooked to internet via them, so phone lines are free and clear. It may already be too late to receive that call again, since this constitutes a pattern that satisfied neither. But just so I never have to stand in this same spot again I will put my plan into action and try to be content with the fact that I got the calls in the first place. It is little comfort, but it happens to be the only positive I can find. And positives are my thang.
I am a problem solver, but I woke up thinking about all the problem listers that I have met in my lifetime. You know the ones who complain about every tiny thing, but never seem to get past that point in the process. They rarely if ever conceive a plan or take a step toward solutions, just piling up the issues like treasures and of course none of it is ever their fault. I see no reason to share a list of the times I failed to cope. I see no sense in highlighting times I did not even try. Not that I have a list like that anyway.
So examine your lists if you have any. Or better yet just tear them up and make new ones. List solutions instead this time around, you might be surprised at how capable you are at solving problems. Then do me a favor after issues are resolved, share that example. It is only by comparing our strengths that we can inspire others to develop ones of their own.


Saturday, January 22, 2005

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

Wow, that title instantly spun my brain. Everyone please remember that what is written here is my opinion only and not the law of the land. Suggestions are welcome. Responses are rapid. So here goes!
The strongest organ in the body is the mind, it can lead the heart if allowed, it can quiet the soul if asked to, it has to be elected to that position though. A broken heart can be left in pieces, or mended, no matter what the cause of its breaking, but it has to be a conscious decision, mind driven act to get the mending done.
What becomes of the broken hearted depends on mindset. Some wallow in the pain so long it acts like fly paper and holds them trapped. Some look for the next in line to make it all better, which never works. Some act out to ease pain, but that only adds volume to the pile of stuff to get passed.
The smart ones get sad then pissed. They don't bother seeking revenge, because they are too busy stomping away. They put distance between themselves and the source then look at it clearly once vision returns. Mind control takes them wherever they choose. They learn its hard lesson, then they travel on. Stronger, wiser, more centered, and much less likely to be wounded again by the same weapon.


Friday, January 21, 2005

To Realize (Not My Words, But True All The Same)

I got this as an email, original author unknown. The words are not mine, but the sentiment is universal. Think about it, let it grow, and then decide. But don't linger over it, because it's a no-brainer.
To realize The value of a sister: Ask someone who doesn't have one.
To realize The value of ten years: Ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize The value of four years: Ask a graduate.
To realize The value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize The value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize The value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize The value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize The value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize The value of one minute: Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize The value of one-second: Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize The value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend: Lose one.

The Fire Forged Me Strong

Bleak times have strengthened me solid enough to stand alone. Being the one, all too often leaned upon has made it almost impossible to rest easy upon anyone else. I value those hard lessons and thank God that I had them, or I would have been so very lost now.
But personal growth continues to lead me in an almost fated way, making all days, the bad as well as the good, seem more gift than curse. I step with the joy of someone who passed through the fire, lived through the burning, and sees the value of the testing. I passed. I surpassed survival, and went straight to living. Whatever I get I earned, whatever I suffer I use.
All negatives fuel me that much closer to a positive. The doubt of others only makes me more resolute to show them that I do not belong in a mold of their design. A portrait on glass, painted by other hands then held up to my face is not a mirror of who I am.
I find no pleasure in walking through fire, but I do not fear the flames. I thrive because I never become my misfortunes.
Things happen to everyone, controlling the height of the flames is rarely possible. But fire inspired growth forges a strength that really comes no other way. Knowing that makes fire walking a much easier thing to master.


Thursday, January 20, 2005

You Can Always Find Me Here

I have made many valuable and precious friends via the internet. If my computer crashed and could not be brought back to life I would certainly miss interacting with them.
I have met both frog and prince here, and been disappointed by each. I have met angels and demons and had an impact on both. I have created a place of my own where others can visit and find comfort. I did it for frog and prince, for angel and demon, for friend and foe in equal measure.
My door is open to each in the same way. I built this quiet place for all, using words to inspire calm and rational actions in a world gone mad.
If I can not be found anywhere else, I will always be here, trying to enlighten others about dangers I have faced or mountains I have scaled then flagged. I pray that many save themselves some senseless pain, by allowing my aches to pay their way for a few miles at least.
It somehow lightens my step to hear the echo of others and eases my pain to sooth wounds not my own. Journeys End is pay it forward activated. Sharing enlightenment is like lighting a candle in someone else's hand and having them do the same. Before long the landscape is dotted with small pools of light that go a long way toward making the world a brighter place.


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Being Master

Well it is day ten of my smoke free journey and I am doing great. Three days ago I stopped using the patch, although I have them close at hand in case going back to the program becomes necessary. They worked well, but it seemed important to try to do it unaided, so far it has been surprisingly easy.
Good intentions be damned, this victory belongs to me. I still have an addiction, but I am mastering it nicely nowadays, where before my addiction had me and I was the mastered one. In the most delightful way, losing the habit has liberated me. It really was just an unnecessary complication and faith in my own strength went further than anything else toward simplifying my life.


Monday, January 17, 2005

The Many Shades Of Love

I was asked to write about my view of the concept that love conquers all. I happen to believe that it can if its hue is vivid enough. Love comes in an almost limitless variety of colors and sizes. Some rich shades have the strength to surmount any obstacle and last a lifetime, some lightweight colors fade until there is no trace left, showing that they ever existed.
My mother told me long ago that love is not always enough, but I did not really understand her comment at the time. But now I get it all too well. The fact is that love has to be healthy to support the weight placed on it by any relationship worth having. Trust and respect have to be the base on which it rests, without those it lacks the basic framework to build upon.
To love and to be in love are different too. Sometimes one person feels the one while the other feels the other, both valid emotions, both love, but such a mix can cause much heartache. I know this too. And once felt, crossing from one to the other is almost hopeless. Impossible to just make yourself feel what you do not, or them either, for that matter. And worse yet there is no one to blame.
If you have a rich healthy love then yes, love can concur all. Rejoice in your good fortune. If you have a faded one it is possible to bring the colors back to life if both partners work at it. If there is no life or color at all and no energy or help to punch up the shading then beware that love does not conquer you. Sometimes no love at all is much better than suffering through one that too often feels like hate.


Sunday, January 16, 2005

Needs Verses Greeds

Sometimes in life it is very difficult to tell the difference between a valid need and an insatiable greed. They look enough alike, at first glance, to be twins. But the resemblance is only surface deep. Once that is fully understood it becomes a simple thing to distinguish between the two.
A need is something that rarely takes you to somewhere you do not wish to be, a greed rarely takes you anywhere except those kinds of destinations. Greeds are usually something easily obtainable, giving instant gratification. Needs more often than not take real effort on our part to fulfill. Answering a greed is like eating cotton candy, it is sweet to taste, but not filling. Needs answered are savored like steak, satisfying in a way that lasts.
Greeds speak with the voice of a tantrum throwing two year old, loud and demanding. A needs steady echo comes from soul depth. Next time you are assailed by a voice inside that will not be stilled, listen in a new way. You might be surprised by what you hear. I was!!!!


Saturday, January 15, 2005

The Value Of Family

This topic was suggested, so I will do my best to deliver some insight, if possible. I let the subject lay dormant during a bubble bath and as I wrapped up in my ole fluffy robe the direction of my thoughts highlighted the different slant this writers mind has on the subject. The value of a good family is priceless, the waste of a bad family is tragic, but life offers enough variety of family groups that it is impossible to fail to have a good one somewhere.
First there is your birth family, where you have no control over membership. Then there is your own family of which we have control of mates, but children are not handpicked, although loved. After that comes extended families that come along with the I do's. As far as I can tell the only family where every member is chosen by you personally is your family of friends.
Some are picked because they fill the space left empty by a member of another family type. Some are chosen because they sooth an ache to have a type of family member not available in a birth family. My best friend is closer than the sister I never had, ever could have been. Some are included just because you cannot imagine a life without them in it.
God in all His wisdom understood that humans with all their frailties would need more than one way to possess a happy healthy family. The value of a good family is priceless, no matter which type you possess. Celebrate the one's you have, and that will go a long way toward replacing any you lack.


Friday, January 14, 2005

Voluntary and Involuntary Changes

This has been a week overflowing with changes, some chosen, some forced, but all necessary. For my own growth I stopped smoking, drove to the gym alone, moved a computer, and began reading Imperial Hubris. For my daughters safety I opened my home and shared my space without censure.
The difficulty of each change was not something I dwelled upon at any point in the process. What needed doing just got done. Voluntary changes were eased into, but that does not guarantee an easy experience. But a made up mind rendered every ache worth the suffering, and shortened transition time.
Involuntary changes blindside, but what was done in the name of love was a no-brainer, done by reflex, almost. To struggle against the need would have only put needless negatives into the mix. To lecture, or resent, my daughter for something out of her control would have added to her wounding and created tension.
She is back home now, and I am on day 5 of a smoke free life. I know the way to my gym now. My computer space change is an unexpected positive, and Imperial Hubris is not above my understanding. I have learned many new things in this week of change, but the lesson I value most is the one that her need and my answering of it re-taught me.
Viewing clear proof that my strength was equal to any demand placed upon it, either voluntary or not, strengthened my mind and spirit. Seeing involuntary change as an honor made bitter medicine almost sweet. Believing no weight will ever be placed on my shoulders that I cannot carry relieved any resentment for whatever load was placed there. The fact that I was reminded of that involuntarily only makes it all the more profound.


Thursday, January 13, 2005

Breathing Space

This week has been a journey through some treacherous territory. Inhabitants of my home rose from 2 to 7 on Sunday, I stopped smoking on Monday, and I am still sane on Thursday. I rose to the occasion, as is my habit, but am ready now for a breather. Fate may ignore my need, so a safety net is firmly in place to give me enough distance from everything for easier breathing.
Paying attention to my needs as I help others tend to theirs keeps me centered. My bedroom has become a haven, off-limits to uninvited guests. During times when others lean on my strength I demand this oasis and they respect my boundaries. Without a place to gather strength, I would fail us all.
I have expanded this beloved office/bedroom to include both computers. When busy writing, I place my, (DON'T BUG ME) sign on doorknob, secure in the knowledge that unless the house is burning down nobody will intrude.
I gave all other space to the rest of the gang, sharing it gladly as a safety net for their needs. My daughter spent some time here at journeys end, and is on my callwave right now as I write these words, from the phone of her own home telling me that two angry people are not angry anymore. Maybe fate is taking care of my needs, after all, either way I had my back.
Take care of others, lending a hand when you can, but tend to yourself too. Everyone will benefit in the end. Self awareness is not the same thing as being self-absorbed or selfish. Learn the difference and be generous with whatever your soul demands for peacefulness.


Wednesday, January 12, 2005

To Be Human Is Our Birthright

We are all bound to make mistakes, to err is human after all, but to let past mis-steps bind us in a spot where we can never know real happiness is way too much repentance for any human heart to bear. In my lifetime, I have noticed that the ones most likely to constantly point to our stumbles are usually the ones who dug the hole we tripped in. It is human nature for some to highlight our misdeeds to cover their own.
Nobody is perfect, although some may profess above average abilities. What is right for you is a decision only you can make. Censure is certain in life, but not always correct. Doubt is like a scab that others can see and pick at if it is in their nature to do so, and in our nature to allow it.
Learn then move on, always trying to avoid the same potholes in the future. You are bound by tradition to screw up from time to time. The laws of nature dictate that a common thread of misfortune runs through the fabric of each life. Thinking you can live without making mistakes is unrealistic, because to be human is your birthright, after all.


Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Charity Begins At Home

I took my daughter and her 4 kids into my home the evening before I began my smoke free life. With my help she can land on her feet, and with God's help I can stay erect and on task too. What assistance I seek to render here would be meaningless if I failed her. Charity has to begin at home, or what ever else is done is contaminated somehow.
There is no flash movie to click on this post, instead I found a site so full of information about real life issues and practical solutions that I gave it the place of honor today. Just another link in an endless chain that I toss out to fellow travelers to aid all forward motion. Grab on if it applies, or pass it on if you know someone who can benefit.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Dear Anonymous One And Two,

The comments at the bottom of my last two posts are appreciated, especially since the subject matter was painful to dwell upon. What you lived through in your childhood was in no way normal, by the one size fits all standard, although it was the normal where you were. Not right, but reality. Normality is a lofty concept when a persons world is controlled by the abnormal behavior of others.
That past normal is not your reality now, though. That battlefield was replaced long ago with a much gentler landscape. Childhood baggage is really heavy, but it can be lightened enough to carry in comfort by embracing the feelings, absorbing the lessons then moving on.
Birth is a crap shoot. Really living is deliberate. We can't choose our parents beforehand, but with measured steps we can choose a life once grown. The echo of the past can be almost soundless if you move far enough past its point of origin. Those footsteps have to be deliberate too.
Celebrate that you survived. That alone proves how very strong you are. Have pride that you avoided becoming a carbon copy of either of your parents. You won't willingly keep the cycle going. Feel more complete than the fractured people who raised you so haphazardly. You earned it, fair and square.
We all make mistakes. A life of regret does not unmake them, but only adds to the price paid. Each day is a new beginning. Pick one. Begin fresh. Start over. Pass go, collect a get out of jail free card and play the game to win.
Forgive them, forgive yourself, and don't be afraid to try. Baby steps if necessary. Don't be afraid to fail. To try is never a failure. It's a victory, all in itself. Start small. No need to rush toward the big hurdles until you get over some tiny ones to warm up on. Pick a direction, choose a destination, and travel at a comfortable pace. This journey, after all is your own.
I pray that something said gives comfort somehow, to each or both of you. In the sisterhood often-times answers transcend problems, and hurdles both big and small are faced then overcome with deliberate movement beginning with the same first steps.
Sincerely Yours,



Once upon a time, my life overflowed with an endless river of complications, most created by others then deposited firmly at my doorstep for payment. After my awakening, my view was different, refusing to allow others to pollute my landscape with useless debris became a way of life. Believing that people will only do what I allow them to inside my three square feet of personal space has kept deposits minimal and cleanups brief.
All of that is wonderful, but to end it at the stage where I simply refuse delivery of baggage not my own leaves me still crippled by the complications that I invite and allow to take up residence in my life. It is one thing to refuse other peoples rubbish, quite another to clean up my own. Bad personal habits of any sort are delightful thieves of time and money. Emotional complications have enough thrills to keep us on the ride long after it is healthy. Pain from some things becomes as familiar as an old friend. Agony is powerful when linked to love. Feeling anything is more hopeful than simply being altogether numb. Etc, Etc, Etc. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda!!!! The list of possible self-inflicted complications we humans are capable of is endless. You got your list and I have mine.
My biggest complication right now is about to be attacked with every weapon at my disposal. Putting my money where my mouth is has been my creed for 11 years. To continue on same path I have to follow through with promises (to self and others) to rid my life of every negative I have control over. When a habit has you it is long past the time to regain the upper hand and toss it overboard. Going smoke free tomorrow morning and will succeed, because to fail again will make me a total slave to a disposable complication.
Examine your complications. Who put them there? Who owns them? Are they necessary evils, or needless torture? Bad habit, or bad idea that just will not die an easy death? Once you can answer those questions all disposals become much
easier. Here's to constructing a life as free of complications as is humanly possible.


Friday, January 07, 2005

What Is Normal?

It is my firm opinion that normality is an illusion. We all strive to get there, or fight against it, each in our own way. What is normal for each is unique. And the customs of setting and time frame changes its definition. Culture and fashion can also set the bar on what is considered the norm. And that changes from moment to moment nowadays.
The image of normal family life once upon a lifetime ago was the Cleaver's, but evolved over time into the Connor's, which gives me something realistic to live up to. My childhood family resembled the first more closely than the last. But my own family has more in common with the latter. The transition happened gradually so it feels normal.
What is done in comfort, without hurting others is as normal as it gets. If I could not in comfort do the same, all that really means is that it is not my normal. Each person is different. Every home and its occupants vary in some way. Lumping all together and setting a common normal is the same thing as making a one size fits all outfit and expecting it to really fit everyone.
This post was written as proof that I have an opinion on everything. And also that I can write on demand. As a writer this practice is invaluable to my quest. Tackled as a challenge, it proved impossible to concentrate on any other subject until this one was conquered. Deep thinking about the ordinary, while struggling not to be predictable, goes a long way toward making me abnormal, which is my normal.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Passing Moments, Passing Ships

Some people are only in your life for a short time, then travel on, by desire or design. Today I was thinking about one such person, who has truly passed on, but in a real way she lives still in every footstep I take. We traveled a common path for a time, both abused, both hopeless, making us sisters of a sort.
I overcame it; it overcame her, but her shadow falls lovingly upon this site every time I post here. Her echo, all bright and forever young pushes me to pass out hope to the down hearted.
Every life line I toss is sturdy because I know the best possible outcome, and speedily offered, because I know the worst that can happen too. Like two sides of a fated coin, we stand together, my friendly shadow and I. I like to think she points the way sometimes to someone who has a desperate need to simply be understood.
Pay attention to the precious passing gift of even the briefest friendship. Each in its own way enriches your journey. And always try to remember that the richest yauht and the poorest raft have equal value if you are drowning in rough seas and need rescued.


Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Small Hurdles Verses Tall

Sometimes our eyes are locked so firmly upon the tall hurdles in our path that small ones send us crashing to the ground as our toe catches on something we did not, in all honesty, even realize was there. It happens to all of us, even the wise. The amount of damage suffered and how long it takes to rise depends on a persons determination to scale the real mountain.
Some roll on the ground in pity for self. Some sit licking wounds so long they lose sight of destinations end. Some wait for a passerby to assist them to their feet. I get so irritated with myself for landing on my face that I jump up instantly after I kiss the ground. Those sudden stops and skinned knees could be avoided by looking not only at where I wish to end up, but also of what stands in my path of getting there. Knowing that does not always guarantee a fall free journey. But attention to detail certainly lessens down time in even the most obstacle strewn landscape.
You might see me fall. You might hear me swear upon landing. You might see me struggle to rise, and watch me limp as I travel on. But you will never see me sitting idle in place of wounding. I will never be the one moaning why me as I point out my injuries. I already know the why of such mishaps. And I know where the real fault lies. If I catch my toe on a small hurdle it is only because I was traveling too quickly to be aware of ground level issues.
It is a simple thing to adjust the speed as needed while traveling. It is an easy thing to look down from time to time as you step along. But human nature is to rush toward the prize, so re-training that nature to more careful movement has to be a deliberate act. And sometimes old lessons dressed in new colors have to re-introduce themselves to be fully learned.

(12 ROSES)

Monday, January 03, 2005

The Beauty Of Every Day

Overcast sky's and gentle rain offer me a different outlook on my surroundings today. I notice colors and contours that are not highlighted the same way on bright sunny days. Rain has darkened somber shades and brightened softer ones in perfect contrast. The beauty I see is muted and melancholy, but oh so perfect in its setting.
Internally it can be the same, and often is. The beauty of even a bad day is wondrous. Seeing things clearly very rarely comes without viewing them through rose colored glasses of sunny days, of the soul, and with somber contemplation that only comes on cloudy ones. A true picture often demands a combination of the two, reality is usually somewhere in between.
To accept reality, you first have to know what that is. Humans are great magicians of the mind, manipulating facts to suit their fancy. Facing a true picture gives so much power for forward motion. Traveling away from the bad, or journeying toward the good takes the same first step of viewing each situation with a healthy balance of sun and shade.


Sunday, January 02, 2005

More Resources On Tsunami Tragedy

As I was reading all I could find on the Tsunami Tragedy, I came upon a blog address I am placing here today instead of the usual flash movie. I hope in some way it entices further help as well as informs. Click on title to visit tsunamihelp.blogspot
School again for my son tomorrow. Solitary confinement for me. I am resolute to make every moment of my quiet time count. Taking very deliberate positive steps to reach somewhere worth being by this years end, and tomorrow the hard grind begins in earnest.
Not certain what change, if any, my concentration upon novel writing will have on blog, but will try to keep it to a minimum. I placed a counter on page and as long as it shows that people are visiting I will continue to get great joy from every moment I spend writing here.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

The First Day

This is the first day of a brand new year, and on this day like no other that will follow of the next 364 it is a reminder for us all of the wondrous possibilities of fresh starts and new beginnings. That is something that can happen at any moment during a lifetime, but this moment in time belongs to us all in a special way. It offers a shared awareness of all that is past and all that is yet to come.
Collective thoughts from around the world reach backward then forward in a magic dance that brings us all to the same place at one time. Unifying the human race both friend and stranger, all religions, all people each in their own way ask, "What next?"
My own what next is as uncertain as anyone's, but where I am able I will steer my steps away from tired old patterns that only bring pain. I will follow the path that soothes my soul, or makes it soar, even if it asks sacrifices not comfortable to make. I will be true to self and view that as a victory no matter what this year brings me. I will pass by the possible and reach for more, because to do less would stop my journey long before I wish it to end.
On this first day of the rest of my life I am reaffirming my path to help who I can by giving some aide to my fellow man that involves more than what I do here. The Tsunami victims that suffer as I can only imagine need more than simple words. Putting the prayer here was only my first step. On this first day I am celebrating my new year by putting
thought into solid action by sending what funds I can. I have very little, but I have more than enough to share with a people who through no fault of their own are victims of nature. Someday I might be in the wrong place at the wrong time and need a helping hand.
Beside the Tsunami Disaster Prayer flash movie of my 12-30 post there is a point to click that will take any who wish to follow me on a similar path. Sing Cher gathered 36 possibilities where we who have so much can give to this tragic effort. To any I have given comfort to consider paying it forward toward easing the terrible burden these people carry.
The future is uncertain, but if I do all I can in the present to step proudly toward whatever waits there then I can truly live up to my potential. Life is a precious gift, here's to opening it slowly enough to appreciate the experience and carefully enough to avoid unnecessary breakage. Here's to life and the living of it without regret.