This flash movie made me more aware that these are truly my golden years, not because of number, so much, but because of content. Here's hoping that all reading this can say the same. For those who cannot yet make that claim, take heart. Once upon a time I could not say it either. Moment by moment and step by step we all get to wherever we really wish to be, if we only try, one moment at a time, one step then the next.
Friday, December 31, 2004
This flash movie made me more aware that these are truly my golden years, not because of number, so much, but because of content. Here's hoping that all reading this can say the same. For those who cannot yet make that claim, take heart. Once upon a time I could not say it either. Moment by moment and step by step we all get to wherever we really wish to be, if we only try, one moment at a time, one step then the next.
Some places that I lived in long ago have been torn down, one place where I worked is just an empty shell, but today in my memory they lived. As I remembered them I recalled the girl who cowered in spots that no longer exist and knew with certainty that she is nonexistent now too.
As I drove toward home the skies grew cloudy. I was beginning to mourn the loss of light when a silver slit appeared and a bright sunbeam reached for the ground just ahead. I laughed loud at its appearance, for it brought back a memory of a dark day, two years ago, when my crazy friend Jeanette kidnapped me so we could search for sunbeams. We found several that day, but the first one seen was on the same bridge. The joy of a new sunbeam was heightened by the echo of an old one. Now that I have no need to chase sunbeams to brighten my day I was gifted with one. The drive home was heaven.
To all my crazy friends, both old and new, I wish you a very safe and Happy New Year. I spent the day simply, on gentle reflections of a time that is finally far enough away to be pain free. I will spend the evening simply too, tending to future stepping. The last day of the year seemed like a perfect time to put pieces of the past to rest and begin working on what is waiting for me just ahead.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
To give it more importance than it deserves would be a total waste of energy. To rant and rave would not restore plans. To cry would only wash away any joy I could find in other things. To blame, even if there was someone or something to heap it upon is not my way of dealing; resentment is not my cup of tea. So I take reality and cherish it, letting all the things I possess inside myself be reason enough to celebrate no matter what happens that is outside of my control.
To be the best I can be means shouldering my disappointments with as much grace as possible. So family and friends, plus all others who visit Journeys End, I wish you as much joy in the New Year as I am feeling. For me 2005 looms bright with promise, not because of where I spend its beginning, but of how far I can travel by its ending.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
I saw pride. She told me later when we were days past that moment in time, but I already knew. I could almost hear her soothing voice, and her belief in my ability to see tragedy through its darkest moment helped me and my whole family. I straightened up, and coped with a grace that I had for a moment forgotten I possessed, for her sake alone at first. But within seconds I owned it again for my sake alone. And my family watched and stayed strong because I did.
So touch your friends often and touch them well. When arms cannot caress let your eyes embrace. You never know when a gentle glance will make all the difference in the world to them and benefit all who gather near. My friend was proud of me and it showed. I lived up to her expectations, and surpassed my own. Without even lifting a finger Charity gave me a touch that will never leave me no matter how long I journey on.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Energy shared in a positive way enhances everything. Seeing things through someone else's eyes expands how we see things. A soul mate of any kind, whether romantic in nature or not gives us a safe garden in which to grow. Roots go deep in rich soil. And bonds that last a lifetime begin with our willingness to give first if necessary and not just simply be satisfied to take.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Fear the fire so you do not get burned. Fear deep water if you can not swim. Fear the real dangers of life, giving them the respect of listening to their message, but do not heed the foolish fears that come from standing in one place too long.
Have the courage to alter what you can about a life that is making you unhappy. Change what gives you real grief, and you will be above the fingers of fear that hold you in place. Try something new, an avenue never taken before and the freedom of your soul will give you the courage to live the life you never dared to dream possible.
I am committed to the path I follow. No other human dictates my footsteps and I depend on no human for my own happiness. In my travels I have found the courage to say with certainty that even if I walk this path alone, I will find true happiness in every step I take.
I stumble, for sure, from time to time. I ache for a hand to hold, at times too. But when I fall I have the strength to get up again without assistance. And the hand I wish to grasp is not one that will pull me along, but one that will give simple companionship on the journey.
God, grant me the courage needed to always live the life you gifted me with. Fate, blow a gentle wind at my back to keep me ever going in the right direction. Destiny, be a light that beckons me forever forward. Time, be precious enough that I spend you with good sense. Life, embrace me when no other arms do. If I travel past my fears all the above are mine for the taking.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Getting to know someone deep takes courage, I know. The sharing of vital things does not come cheap, asking much of both investors. Trust is needed in abundance to uncover parts hidden from the world at large, and compassion is vital to appreciating that gift of special knowledge.
I never assume I know a person well just because I know where they work, live, or play. Jobs, homes, and playgrounds change. If those were really important in the larger scheme of things when any altered the whole process would begin again. But knowing the soul of another leaves no blank spaces to refill even if all other facts change.
How well you are willing to know others depends on how well you are willing to know yourself. And that is a struggle of another kind. Practice on yourself first, then really introduce yourself to a special chosen few. Disregard all bare facts, ignore the size of bank accounts and homes, things of a worldly nature tell nothing of lasting importance about what is housed inside. But the value you place in bare facts tells a lot about who you really are deep down.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
So here's to train rides of every variety to destinations unknown, and the nerve needed to buy the ticket when the chance comes. Here's to chances given, and chances taken. May yours be numerous and filled with wonder.
All new beginnings follow endings of some sort as a natural progression of time and space. Time changes every landscape from what you see outside your window to what you see in the mirror. Embracing what is does not in any way devalue what was.
But packing your bags with too many things from where you have been leaves little room for filling them with treasures yet to come. So my wish for all my fellow travelers are empty bags to fill as they travel along.
Here's to filling them to overflowing and gaining the strength to carry them as far as is healthy before emptying them, without regret, then refilling them again over and over till journeys end.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
I would enjoy sharing the journey with someone with vision, but I dreamed them alone for long enough to know that they do not depend on others to be real and valid. Many friends see a portion of what I see, and one sees them clearer than anyone ever has, but my view is always clear even without seeing the reflection in someone else's eyes.
I do not plan to always walk alone, but if I must I can. I do not plan to be carried from place to place on someone else's coat tails, but a helping hand is always welcome. I do not plan on standing still and watching others reach places I could reach too with just a bit of effort. My only plan is simple. I plan on listening to my heart, giving wings to my dreams, letting a higher power guide their flight, and keeping enough of my sanity during the journey to reap whatever rewards my dreams bring with confidence that they are fated and divine.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Everything I have written about is being tested at this time. To drop the ball now would be to instantly make all my words just silly utterings. I am many things, but silly is not on that list, I pray. So I step forward past my fear, leap over every obstacle, and travel on.
I started this blog to help others, yet in a real way it helps me too. I read it from first post to last before I sat down to do this and can clearly see my own growth in the words I write. I say do, try, believe, then I follow my own advice. I say dream, imagine, soar, then I do. I say notice, own, and cherish your moments, because I know how far that can take you toward where you want to go.
I got word yesterday that the next poem I submitted will also be made into a flash movie, and today I submitted one more for consideration, because I plan to be busy putting some personal things in order and seek to not lose momentum while my focus is elsewhere.
I seek balance for every part of my being, to strengthen the whole. I seek independence from fear of all kinds that would make it easy to just call what I have accomplished so far as enough. I seek my destiny with no preconceived notion of just exactly what its form will be. That I do it in such a public way gives me strength that I would never have possessed any other way. What was good enough for me when I started this odyssey is no longer my reality.
I do not mean material things at all, but a richness that comes from within. If it brings wealth that will just be icing, but if I never mixed the cake there would be nothing to ice. And if I never began the climb I would never know what is just over the next hill. Are you a hill climber or a valley dweller?
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Moving on has to have its markers, though and I suppose this is one of mine. And the empty frames I placed back in their chosen position is another. I look at them with wonder, blank slates to fill with dreams come true, or new friends made and cherished.
Jerry was my past. I gave it my all then, but have nothing more to spend there. I am seeking my future, and moving on is my creed. Over the next hill, around the next curve, fate awaits my acceptance or rejection of its reality. I move toward it as fast as I can in comfort, with open arms. No use looking behind, because I am definitely not there anymore.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Sunday, December 12, 2004
I spent twenty-four years working with the elderly, and studied first hand the many differences between the
ordinary and the wise. The I, me mentality, carried from cradle to grave is a sure sign of ordinary. An ordinary elder will notice what everyone else has and covet more than their fair share. Like selfish children they pile up the largest stack of toys then cry because no one wants to play. Most often they only want an audience, not an active playmate.
The wise notice what everyone else has too, but give of their own bounty to someone who has less, evening the score somehow. Wise elders help God to grade on a curve that helps everyone. They glow with a special fire, and leave a warmth behind that lasts a lifetime. Other humans, of any age, are drawn to them, hanging onto words spoken that echo on long after they are gone. I bet each person reading this can name at least one wise elder who touched them in some unforgettable way.
Every life is full of opportunities to gain insight. Times filled with hunger to know or understand, where our link in the chain is positioned, are common to all. My focus is just dedicated toward lesson learning so that if I ever reach my golden years, I can do my part to help even the odds for everyone.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
People who are supposed to be in our lives for a reason make us more alert. Sharing space with them broadens our ability to experience a link with the universe.
Cherish the reason people in your life, while you can. The length of their orbit there is often brief. And be a cherished reason person yourself when a higher force places
you in such a fated position.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Humans glow when they feel comfortable inside their own skin. A mouse can evolve into a lion if they envision themselves as such. What holds us back is not the hand on our arm, but willingness to be held. It is often easier to just freeze, and blame the holder, when one step forward would set us free. So in a real sense you stand still out of apathy or unwillingness to just take that one small step.
It is so easy to be convinced that you lack something that would make you more than you are. It is much easier to stay in the rut, than to claw your way out, but as long as your unwilling to claw it is a certainty that rut dwelling is your fate. Plodding along is a simple journey. Head down, sights low, following where led is an easy life. No thought necessary, but no soaring either. Try stepping high to the sweet drum beat of your soul, because it will always lead you to a place of joy. It knows you can, if you only take that one small step.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Friday, December 03, 2004
The people who know my heart, recognize my complexity, admire my strength, and gift me with their love, gain much from every encounter. I know well how to give, learning to take is much harder. I have spent my whole life being leaned upon, trusting enough to lean is much harder. I have scar tissue, but do not try to claim otherwise, I just know that blaming the wounder is not a way to heal.
I dare to be different in my dealing with the shortcomings of others, because I am painfully aware that I have plenty of my own. What has been done to me, in one way or another I aided. After admitting that, I had to forgive all or stay forever unforgivable myself.
A good friend told me just the other day that we are all angels with dirty faces. She dares to be different too, and it shows. I stand at the face washing stage of my life, with a heart bursting with joy, and I dare to be different, because I am. No rut will hold me stationary. No censure hold me down. No further abuse will ever leave behind scar tissue for me to mend.
Dare to be different. Dare to be real. Dare to hold your dirty angel face up as you forgive yourself for being human enough to screw up so easily. Learn to step over the pot holes, or fill them in if you can. Learn then move on. I did. It is just one way I dare to be different.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
My dreams are still present, yet my life has become almost magical, as if I am somehow living someone else's fantasy for me. I would have been satisfied with so much less, and called it more than enough. But now I know for sure that I am on my true lifepath, and am only glimpsing a small portion of my own personal paradise.
Today I got word that a poem I wrote in 1991 will be made into a flash movie. I only dreamed of submitting, but did not dare to dream of succeeding. I dreamed of having nerve enough for trying. Once that email was on its way fate took over.
And the speed I received an answer was astounding. It seems surreal, somehow, but it taught me a lesson.
Wonderful things can happen very quickly by email. Real things that seem much too wonderful to be happening to me. I will continue in my own fashion to simply dream up enough nerve to try, do my best, clink on send, and let fate take me where it needs me to be.
And I will look at the landscape with the wonder of a child, because life for me is a magical thing. Every day a new miracle of rebirth and rediscovery to all who dare to try for their dreams and have the nerve to live them when they happen.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
We succeeded because we tried. Some lessons learned along the way were repeated over and over until we finally got it right. Daring to act is a bit like walking blindfolded sometimes. You stumble, you even fall, but standing still never gets you anywhere.
What ever your dream. What ever your prison. Just try. There is much to gain and really not so very much to lose. So what if you fail? Failure has its benefits too. But to never try is to settle always for the certain; to settle for the mundane; to settle for the ordinary. Seems a sad waste of such a awesome thing as a lifetime.
I am dedicated to at least an honest attempt at my hearts desires. I just try! It is scary sometimes, but I am much more afraid of not really living. Settling is for dust, and in my lifetime, at least, I am going to do my best to always stay as dust free as possible.
I am often breathless, when trying something new. But it is the breathlessness that comes from anticipation, not the out of breath sensation from being in a walled up area too small to support dreaming. And it all revolves around the simple fact that I try. Just try.
Monday, November 29, 2004
But tending to it is your responsibility alone.
Do not place the burden of your happiness on other shoulders, others have no real power to make you soul happy, although they can add to your happiness in a special way. In the same way they do not have any more power over your unhappiness than what you give them by freewill.
So many things in life go much deeper than some people realize. Decide to be happy. Opt for laughter. Choose to smile. Place as much emphasis on giving your soul a happy home as you used when choosing the house you reside in.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Both of my brothers that were there share the twinkle in my eye, and my ready smile. Truly though, since I am the youngest it must be me who was gifted with what first belonged to them. So Brother's Both, I thank you for sharing with your little sister all the answering gleams and grins that passed between us today. And thank you for choosing wives I love and having children that I do too.
And Mom, thank you for always being there for me. I would have fallen face forward several times over, in the past two years without your support. I saw your eyes twinkle a time or two today and your smile never wavered, except for a split second when you first saw my tattoo. Thanks Mom, for saying I am a grown up now, sometimes I forget.
Every embrace I got today was given by arms that have hugged me forever, it seems. To my children, their spouses, and their children both present and absent I thank you for making me proud, each in your own way.
To my oldest brother and his family we missed you all, (and yes I love his choice and issue too). I thank you biggest brother for the ghost stories you told me as a child, and for letting me drive your car when I was a teenager.
Granny, thank you for sharing in our family in such a way as to be a perfect fit, with a charming southern accent. And thanks for the peach cobbler that my son still brags on. How about the recipe?
To the faithful few who visit here, thank you for the echoes of love left behind. And a special thanks to you Lancelot, from the Tower Princess. Happy Thanksgiving to both old friends and new.
Friday, November 26, 2004
I have tried to be vivid enough, showing some of what is deep inside, to paint a portrait that will hold up over time. Not hiding every wart, so the image will remain lifelike even when recalled from memory alone.
I always wear the same perfume, attaching a scent to the picture. I took some time over this decision. Assigning traits to every scent until I found one that was earthy enough, bold enough, layered enough, and passionate enough to belong to me.
I have tried to keep my voice gentle even when it would have been easier to explode. I failed in this sometimes, but if I succeeded often enough then my echo will be mostly soothing. The noise I leave inside another head might, at times, play over and over like a broken record. I want to sound like a haunting flute, not like clanging cymbals with neither rhythm nor rhyme.
I seek to leave no bitter taste behind to choke those who loved me by choice or by design. I hope to be remembered, and remembered well. Not for fame or fortune. Not for beauty or intellect. But for the echoes I leave behind from my heart and soul. If I echo wisely now, I will echo often then.
Not long ago I was invited to join an online grief group. I accepted not because I felt I needed additional help with coping, but that quiet voice I always try to follow said, please step this way.
Yesterday I discovered a blogspot just started by someone closely connected to a member. I had not put my link on there, but now I have. If this is the reason I was meant to join then I hope it comes full circle. All the signs are there.
I understand so much about fear and its intense power. Once it has hold it feels as if there is nothing you can do to break its embrace. But the right word at the right time has the power to give breathing room. I pray that somewhere in my rambling she finds the right word. It is why I write. It is why I struggle on.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
As of Tuesday the Pentagon said 1,210 U.S. service members have died in Iraq since the conflict began 20 months ago. At the beginning of November the Pentagon count stood at 1,119, and it rose rapidly as the Fallujah fighting intensified and insurgents struck back in other cities and towns.
Because of the heavy fighting in Fallujah and the insurgents' apparent attempts to respond with stepped-up attacks elsewhere, this month also is seeing one of the highest wounded totals. The number of wounded jumped by nearly 500 this week, according to Pentagon figures released Tuesday.
Since the start of the war, 8,956 U.S. service members have been wounded, of which nearly 5,000 were serious enough to prevent them from returning to duty. At the start of the month the total was 8,287.
Of the 91 or more U.S. deaths so far this month, it appears most were Marines. Of the first 71 deaths for which identifications were announced, 48 were Marines. Twenty-one were with the Army, and the Navy and Air Force each had one fatality. None of the 48 Marines was older than 29, and most were in their early 20s. Six of the Marines were 19 years old.
CLICK ON TITLE FOR FLASH MOVIE
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
"Don't borrow trouble, sugar. Just take a deep breath, and put that burden down until it's really yours to carry."
Pausing, I listened to the rhythm of her reply. The speed of both breath and fractured thoughts seemed to be decelerating nicely. My smile widened as I gave her a healthy dose of faith.
"Girl, none of that will probably even happen... But if it does, you'll land on your feet. You always do! Right?"
A rush of breath later she replied, "Yes."
"Worrying about tomorrow is keeping you from enjoying today. Right?"
A slightly embarrassed chuckle preceded a gentle, "Yes."
"Is there anything you can do now to change whatever is fated to happen?"
Without a pause she declared a determined, "No."
"Well, then relax. If trouble doesn't come you'll have tormented yourself for nothing. If trouble does come you'll have less energy to face it if you waste it all today."
A giggle was her only answer.
Our conversation lasted for almost an hour after the bogeyman departed. We talked of what is, and he could find no platform there to build his panic upon.
I talked to her late this afternoon. And of course all her fears had been for nothing. I wish her a life overflowing with what is, and the strength to face what facts she finds there. And after my voice is silenced, I rest in the certainty that in her mind, at least, its echo will always have the power to overpower the bogeyman.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
The real quality of our journey is measured by the thoughtfullness of our footsteps, not in the clothes we wear, the homes inhabited, or the money we think we own. Things left behind are quickly claimed by others once we leave this journey behind. But footprints left upon the path of another soul belong to you for all eternity.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Then I woke up to the fact that if I did not know and love myself how could I expect others to do the same. After that everything tumbled into place. It was not a painless journey, but well worth every ache suffered along the way to rediscovery and rebirth.
Once done all the love I had struggled to earn by compliance was mine for the taking just because of who I was, not because I earned it by being a perfect paperdoll cut out of who I imagined they wanted me to be. And sometimes I have been lucky enough to be loved in spite of myself too.
Unconditional love came to me freely only after I gifted it to myself first. Now I dont play a role to get a place in the hearts of others. Today I am who I am with pride. Tomorrow I will be the same, although I will continue to grow. Being a work in progress is an exciting, awesome thing to be.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Take world peace as a perfect example. I dream of it often. Knowing that I have no power to wave a wand and make it happen world wide, I simply cut it down to fit a pattern I can work with.
I keep my three feet of personal space as free of conflict as possible. I refuse to borrow trouble, or worry about what might happen. Dealing with only what IS seems the sanest option. I keep both hands firmly on those reins, so it is impossible to try to drive anyone elses.
On my way down my lifepath I stop from time to time and post signs along the way, some warning danger, some pointing to beauty noticed that I fear others will miss in their haste. But my wagon is not attatched to a long line I am pulling by force.
Others are welcome to follow along at their own pace or not at all if they choose. Often on my journey, I have climbed down and strolled beside fellow travels who needed someone to listen and care, but when their strength is restored I am always ready to go back to path finding on my own wagon ride.
World peace begins for me in my own small world and there I can achieve my dream. And if in some little way my peace stops the war inside someone else then it grows.
And if they, in turn, touch someone else then the cirlce of peace widens. And if it continues to be payed forward in like fashion then my dreams of world peace will bloom into a reality that far exceeds anything that would have happened if I had not bothered to dream at all.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Cancer changed his appearence, making him look years older than he was. When he entered the hospital each time, I taped that photo above his bed, first thing.
I sat back and watched caregivers look from picture to man and back again, and knew first hand what they were feeling. Years spent working in a nursing home had taught me well that a picture of youth, health, and happiness placed above a bed made caring for the old, ill, or unhappy more of an honor and less of a burden.
A snapshot puts things in perfect perspective for the ones who tend to the needs of the weak. Jerry recieved more tender care because of a picture hung overhead. Busy Doctors', Nurses', and Aides' clearly saw the man, behind the illness. It slowed them down just enough for real smiles and words of cheer that always comforted my frightened mate.
The picture kept me centered too. Because of it I never lost sight of him either. I treated him like my man even after he became as dependent as a child. His place was secure and dignity rock solid, all due to a single moment, frozen in time, and securely taped to sterile hospital walls.
Friday, November 05, 2004
2-Be yourself in the same way you would with a same sex friend, but go slowly at first. Understand any change in your normal actions will naturally put them off balance; going slowly gives them time to adjust to your new attitude.
3-Find time alone away from everyone and everything that will distract from total concentration on each other. No phones, no kids, and no time limits.
4-Talk about everything. Explain how you feel and why you feel that way. Sometimes the reasons behind your feeling are more important than the feelings themselves. Leave nothing hidden.
5-Take turns talking. Do not interrupt. If you stop them in mid-sentence, or mid-thought you will both miss important insights about each other, as well as some surprising ones about yourself.
6-Keep in mind what is a certainty; as things you reveal will often shock and sometimes distress your mate, the same will apply to you.
7-Do not be afraid to be the one to make the first move. You may have to begin again and again, it happens minute by minute sometimes.
8-Resolve all old issues in a calm manner. Get old baggage out of the way, but do it in a friendly manner, like friends should.
9-Forgive, forget, and go on. Once resolved let go. If your partner continues to revisit old demons do not join them. Explain your desire for a relationship free of the past, aimed toward the future. Push their demons toward them, and explain that it is up to them to slay them. If they are as committed as you are to achieving an equal partnership they will do their part to make it a peaceful union.
10-Realize early the vast differences between not only how males and females think, but also how they express those thoughts. Misunderstandings are easily possible without much effort on both sides, because our expectations are often poles apart. You can not make them think your way, but you can enlighten them on how your mind really functions. Just because they are clueless does not mean that they do not care, and is often simply a symptom of not enough information. Inform them when they need it, and allow them to return the favor.
11-Touch when you talk; as long as you are physically connected it is harder to close doors, or build walls.
12-When walls appear on either side, and they will from time to time, tear them down before the cement dries. When either person is sealed out the relationship can not grow, and that often causes backsliding into old habits, which have no place in your new relationship. If you are equally committed to each other, getting past the wall building stage is easier. But it takes time to unlearn old habits, so be patient.
13-Use pen and paper to address subject matter you have trouble gettin out in the open face-to-face. Gently, words are powerful tools and deadly weapons so do not argue on paper.
14-Be unpridictable, break old tired habits.
15-Do not over analyze. Do not crowd them. Do not let them crowd you.
16-Celebrate your differences as what makes your relationship special. Your differences make you unique, they can be utilized to make your relationship unique too.
17-Be proud when others find your mate attractive. Be honest, would you really want to be with someone nobody would ever try to hit on. Keep it all in perspective.
18-Be as willing to praise good behavior as you are to condemn bad ones.
19-Let them have enough space to grow. Remember just because you love them that does not mean you own them.
20-Be willing to say you are sorry when you should, and you are wrong when you are. Do not make assumptions about what they know about feelings not voiced. Say it out loud, because unless they are psychic they will not know what you are feeling without hearing it from you.
But I did allow and absorb tons of mental abuse before putting a stop to it in 1993.
Ugly words were effective weapons for twenty years. Silencing them was one kind of struggle, quieting their echo was another. Belittling by a loved one slices soul-deep. Scar tissue from such injuries does not even begin forming until the abuse ends. A smart verbal abuser keeps old wounds raw, while constantly making fresh ones.
I finally rejected the distorted image created by my abuser. I recreated myself from the inside out then painted a picture for him in bright colors, seeing my true reflextion in his eyes was a just reward for all my trouble. Ten years of happiness excused it all. But the first step was mine.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
I drove home down a lonely back road after midnight shift at the nursing home, my mind filled with tumbling thoughts inspired by the winds of change. Halfway through my trip I noticed a large wooden sign, hanging on a power pole next to a corn field. It had one word painted in bright red, one letter screaming out from a stark white background. It said simply, I.
Looking down the road I noticed signs hanging on the next three poles. I streched, rubbed tired eyes, then gazed absentmindedly at the second bright red word. It said simply, LOVE.
Smiling at the unexpected message, mind full of curiosity about the last two signs I drove faster to reach the next one. It said simply, YOU.
I laughed out loud, heart full of joy for whoever loved someone enough to broadcast it next to a very well traveled road. Wishing someone loved me like that I drove on toward the last sign. But half way there I stopped the car, tears made it impossible for me to see the road, yet I had no trouble reading the bright red letters, hand painted on the last sign. It said simply, GLENDA.
Those signs hung next to that road all summer long. I was asked dozens of times if I was the Glenda, and glowed with pride at every yes. I guess it was the farmer that finally took them down, because they came up missing at harvest time. But in my mind they hang there still, a fitting testimony to the awesome power of love.
Jerry is gone now too. We enjoyed ten years of real friendship and unconditional love before his death. His change was not instant, though; my rebirth occured in October of 1993, and the signs did not go up until the following summer. The greatest gift I ever recieved was handmade from scrap lumber, left over paint, and reawakened love. And happily ever after began for me on that lonely back road leading home.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Whatever is held in a tight fist, is yours by force alone. Whatever is controlled, using fear, will either bolt or die.
Whatever is twisted out of shape by possessive hands, is bound to spring back someday.
But whatever is altered soul deep will never pass away.
For twenty years I was fist held, controlled by the expert use of fear, twisted into a mute mummy, manipulated like a puppet by the hands of a dedicated bully. Marriage during those years was little more than a tyranny, and in his kingdom there was absolutely no space for personal growth.
For those who do not truly understand the meaning of tyranny, it is a goverment where one person is vested with absolute power. It is a word that describes well what I lived through. But at forty I realized that if I did not repossess my space it would forever belong to someone who seemed hell bent on my destruction.
One idea kept echoing in my brain as I first struggled to regain control. Whatever power he held I had handed to him. If I gave it then I could take it back. The choice was mine alone. That one concept, so simple, so true carried me past all fear. I have thanked God, for small ideas that change lives, every day since my rebirthday on October 30, 1993.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
1-to use up or put out; expend: spent an hour exercising.
2-to pay out (money).
3-to wear out; exhaust: The storm finally spent itself
4-to pass (time) in a specified manner or place: they spent their vacation in Paris.
5-(a) To throw away; squander: spent all their resources on futile projects.
5-(b) To give up (one's time or efforts, for example) to a cause; sacrifice.
Reading that brought instant clarity and greater understanding of the time spending issue.
Time is precious; much more valuable than money, but just as easily wasted. You can always earn more coins, but time is not replaceable once it is spent.
Time is every humans birthright and we each give it away until our alloted amount is used up. The expenditures made, viewed together, in total are lives.
Time given you is a gift. Time doled out should be gifted wisely. If time spent were thought of with the same thoughfulness given to money there would be much less wasted. I wouldnt write a check to a lot of the people and places I have spent time on in my lifetime.
Friday, October 29, 2004
So do not simply settle for less than life offers. You may not change the world at large, but your personal space will certainly alter in ways never imagined in your wildest dreams.Draw your own lines. Set your own limits. Do not just stumble blindly when the crossroads of life appear on your horizon. Look without fear down all possible avenues, choosing the one that leads to success no matter how treacherous the road appears to be.
In life the easiest paths often lead straight to dead end destinations. I would climb endless mountains to reach happiness, before I would be satisfied to walk even a short distance over smooth roads to arrive at nowhere. I have been there before, and have no wish to revisit. If a life of circles is enough to amuse you then circle on alone, but I seek a broader path to follow.
When I am a very old woman, I want to remember the battles waged to become who I am. Every time I face a fear or heal a pain I grow stronger. I believe in the eternal strength of the human spirit to survive not only in spite of adversity, but also because of it. I beleive in my own ability to face and deal with any situation that really living my life brings. I believe! Believe!
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Struggling without hope is a sure road to life's dead-ends, where even turning around is impossible, so I offer what hope I possess as a way to light your way.
Finding your true potential as a human being is a never ending battle to be free of the things, which try to slow us down, but teach us nothing useful in the process. Sometimes we fight others for control, but the hardest battles are often waged against ourselves. Recognizing whom you are struggling with lets you arm yourself with the proper weapons necessary to make all battles fair fights that you have an even chance of winning.
Any life worth living is rich in both pleasure and pain; the real trick is in learning how to avoid letting the pain of today steal the pleasure of tomorrow. Embracing pain when it comes is not the same thing as wallowing in it. Sadness is not banished once you master your bootstraps, but it does not remain an enemy when it is used as a tool to broaden your self awareness.
I do not pretend to know all the answers; hell, I am not even sure I ask all the right questions, but I am certain that it is much more important how you face your problems than what face they wear.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Human beings are like that;most of us start out with the basic ingredients needed for a hearty, healthy, full life. But our experiences and reactions to them sometimes cause us to harbor things inside that if left unchecked will spoil whatever it touches. Freewill gives all of us the awesome gift of choice.
You can choose to unpack your trunk. You can choose to unburden your mind. You can choose to clean cupboards of all spoiled products. You can choose to fill all nooks and crannies with the basic ingredients for a regret free life. You can leave the pain behind in a file marked, LESSONS LEARNED and go forward, or you can keep wallowing in its familiar stink and become a slave to it. Choosing wisely seems like the only sane way to proceed, since you will be the only one responsible for paying the fare for whichever trip you choose.
Monday, October 25, 2004
Firmly set down the useless baggage lugged from place to place.
Stop walking backward, gazing forever toward yesterday,
Quit drowning in what is over, by clutching on to today.
Dig a pit, in which to bury all grudges, fears, and hate,
That only prevent a heart against the chance of embracing any happier fate.
Fill it in with loving hands, plant there seeds of hope,
Then as it springs eternal, glory in the silence of the soul.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
She strokes a baby and sooths a man with hands that understand the power she possesses, often putting the comfort of others far ahead of her own. She is the real keeper of the keys.
She is a helpmate. She is a healer by nature. She is a most wonderous creation. Created second, but not least in importance. If God had thought a man complete without her, he would have left her undone. And her real beauty is clear to every life she so gently touches.
Click on title to see more on the beauty of a woman.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Some lessons have been harder to learn than others. The price paid for some is too steep to dwell upon. But each has been priceless. The bad ones are valued as much as the good. I have often gotten more self-knowledge from viewing my dark side than I could have gleamed any other way.
The quality of life glows with unlimited promise when you learn from mistakes. A good student feels pride at the things they master. The harder the lesson, the greater the pride. The most interesting lives often overflow with mistakes that inspire self-awaremess of unique intensity. All wise old women were once foolish young girls.
Heightend self-awareness is an awesome high like no other I have ever experienced. And it comes from inside. You control the dosage. Its purity is produced by the purity of your understanding and the way you use it to help others. Good intentions count for a lot in the equation.
My goal is to use whatever literary talent I have to teach all people to look deeper into each other's hearts. We mostly just rush on by one another, without really connecting. Pain is all around, no matter which way you turn. Exploring someone else's makes it impossible to leave your own untended.
I know what it feels like to be in intese pain from a multitude of various conditions. I understand that pain often makes us act in ways we normally would not choose to. I realize when you recognize why someone does something that wounds you, it makes the healing an easier struggle. Understanding makes forgiveness a less demanding issue. Sometimes the clemency belongs to others, but most often the hardest pardon is yours alone. It is the sweetest gift you will ever give yourself. I know.
My orbit is so small in space, but I have traveled far and wide emotionally my whole lifetime. Using what I have learned makes sense of all my suffering. Sharing it soothes me and just might help someone else.
It is all to easy to just drift through life. Most people do it without really trying. But I happen to posses an intense aversion to being lumped in with most people. I'm different. I know things.
I know that pulling on my bootstraps strengthens my spine. I know that my life is full when I stay true to myself. Denying any part of my being derails the whole. My thoughts are important, because I bother to think. My mind is always busy with deep thoughts that inspire questions and demand answers. When I channel that energy toward the written word it all has meaning.
Why should anyone else care about my wild imaginings? So many humans walk blind. If I was not in the habit of thinking deep I would be grateful if someone got my attention and explained the benifits of mind control. Some people know a lot of facts they learned in school, but know nothing at all about touching their own core or reaching out to someone else's. Those folks could learn valuable lessons from the special things that I know.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Friends, on the other hand, are handpicked, chosen by your heart for the benifit of your soul. They can and often do fill holes left by the needs not meet by families.
Friendships come in many different shades and flavors, each precious in its own right. Each unique to the needs met in two hearts. Having many does not lessen the importance of any one friend. Once placed securly inside your heart, each owns the spot they inhabit.
The heathiest friendships of all ask nothing more than the right to share space. They never seek to control; they never try to conquer territory not given freely.
Sometimes when you hold a winning ticket you find a perfect friend or two inside your family tree. But if you do not they are scattered everywhere as you travel toward journey's end. Choose wisely. Fill your heart to burstin. Make your life friend rich and no matter what your birthright was it will matter hardly at all.