Sunday, October 31, 2004

Spending Time

I spent time today concidering the concept of spending time. Twisted thoughts rammed together, each seeking a spotlight here, which only caused a major gridlock of idle notions. In an effort to make sense of the maddness, I visited the dictionary, looking up the word spend then used the five definitions found there as a frame on which to reorganize my messy thinking.
1-to use up or put out; expend: spent an hour exercising.
2-to pay out (money).
3-to wear out; exhaust: The storm finally spent itself
4-to pass (time) in a specified manner or place: they spent their vacation in Paris.
5-(a) To throw away; squander: spent all their resources on futile projects.
5-(b) To give up (one's time or efforts, for example) to a cause; sacrifice.
Reading that brought instant clarity and greater understanding of the time spending issue.
Time is precious; much more valuable than money, but just as easily wasted. You can always earn more coins, but time is not replaceable once it is spent.
Time is every humans birthright and we each give it away until our alloted amount is used up. The expenditures made, viewed together, in total are lives.
Time given you is a gift. Time doled out should be gifted wisely. If time spent were thought of with the same thoughfulness given to money there would be much less wasted. I wouldnt write a check to a lot of the people and places I have spent time on in my lifetime.


Friday, October 29, 2004


Our ability as a species to overcome adversity is what legends are made of. Pick up any history book, and you will find portraits of people who started with nothing and changed the course of human history. A common thread runs through every tale. None of them were content to settle for traveling the easy road.
So do not simply settle for less than life offers. You may not change the world at large, but your personal space will certainly alter in ways never imagined in your wildest dreams.Draw your own lines. Set your own limits. Do not just stumble blindly when the crossroads of life appear on your horizon. Look without fear down all possible avenues, choosing the one that leads to success no matter how treacherous the road appears to be.
In life the easiest paths often lead straight to dead end destinations. I would climb endless mountains to reach happiness, before I would be satisfied to walk even a short distance over smooth roads to arrive at nowhere. I have been there before, and have no wish to revisit. If a life of circles is enough to amuse you then circle on alone, but I seek a broader path to follow.
When I am a very old woman, I want to remember the battles waged to become who I am. Every time I face a fear or heal a pain I grow stronger. I believe in the eternal strength of the human spirit to survive not only in spite of adversity, but also because of it. I beleive in my own ability to face and deal with any situation that really living my life brings. I believe! Believe!


Thursday, October 28, 2004

Just Payment

Some things are sad in the extreme, and finding the meaning for them impossible. I let myself feel fully the sadness such events earn, not as punishment, but as the cost we are sometimes asked to pay for the delight of loving someone. My mind was made up long ago about the importance of letting my feelings matter, so even the most painful emotions are embraced as relevent to my wholeness. If the price I have to pay is, from time-to-time, more than seems quite fair, holding the delight of the rewards close to my heart only serves as a reminder of why the pain is so intense. The pain becomes less of a burden and more of an honor when viewed as just payment for real love.


Wednesday, October 27, 2004


Finding your bootstraps is a long process, learning to use them takes tons of practice and attention to detail. Any encouragement received oils the wheels, which drive that train, so my gift is the oil of my experience to make your journey smoother. Like snowflakes we are each different in nature, appearance, and experience. Our struggles follow suit, cut in assorted shapes then stretched to a pattern made unique by the way we wear them.
Struggling without hope is a sure road to life's dead-ends, where even turning around is impossible, so I offer what hope I possess as a way to light your way.
Finding your true potential as a human being is a never ending battle to be free of the things, which try to slow us down, but teach us nothing useful in the process. Sometimes we fight others for control, but the hardest battles are often waged against ourselves. Recognizing whom you are struggling with lets you arm yourself with the proper weapons necessary to make all battles fair fights that you have an even chance of winning.
Any life worth living is rich in both pleasure and pain; the real trick is in learning how to avoid letting the pain of today steal the pleasure of tomorrow. Embracing pain when it comes is not the same thing as wallowing in it. Sadness is not banished once you master your bootstraps, but it does not remain an enemy when it is used as a tool to broaden your self awareness.
I do not pretend to know all the answers; hell, I am not even sure I ask all the right questions, but I am certain that it is much more important how you face your problems than what face they wear.


Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Freewill---The Gift Of Choice

My children have commented often on my ability to go into a seemingly bare kitchen and cook a big meal. Being poor often made that necessary, and the basic ingredients for cheap, but hearty foods were always first on my grocery list when money was scarce.
Human beings are like that;most of us start out with the basic ingredients needed for a hearty, healthy, full life. But our experiences and reactions to them sometimes cause us to harbor things inside that if left unchecked will spoil whatever it touches. Freewill gives all of us the awesome gift of choice.
You can choose to unpack your trunk. You can choose to unburden your mind. You can choose to clean cupboards of all spoiled products. You can choose to fill all nooks and crannies with the basic ingredients for a regret free life. You can leave the pain behind in a file marked, LESSONS LEARNED and go forward, or you can keep wallowing in its familiar stink and become a slave to it. Choosing wisely seems like the only sane way to proceed, since you will be the only one responsible for paying the fare for whichever trip you choose.


Monday, October 25, 2004

Silence Of The Soul

Toss out the negatives that take up so much precious space,
Firmly set down the useless baggage lugged from place to place.
Stop walking backward, gazing forever toward yesterday,
Quit drowning in what is over, by clutching on to today.

Dig a pit, in which to bury all grudges, fears, and hate,
That only prevent a heart against the chance of embracing any happier fate.
Fill it in with loving hands, plant there seeds of hope,
Then as it springs eternal, glory in the silence of the soul.


Sunday, October 24, 2004

The Beauty Of A Woman

It is in the soft curves that a womans real beauty is found. Not of body, but of heart and soul. She makes the world a calmer place with a gentle hand, but becomes a fierce warrior if the need arises, yet never seeking to do so as the first resort.
She strokes a baby and sooths a man with hands that understand the power she possesses, often putting the comfort of others far ahead of her own. She is the real keeper of the keys.
She is a helpmate. She is a healer by nature. She is a most wonderous creation. Created second, but not least in importance. If God had thought a man complete without her, he would have left her undone. And her real beauty is clear to every life she so gently touches.
Click on title to see more on the beauty of a woman.

Sweet Journey

A good friend sent this to me in email. I have watched it countless times and always feel better after a visit there. Just click on the title, sit back, relax, and enjoy.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Lessons Learned

Every morning I have the same conversation with myself. Remember who you are. Remember how far you have come. Show the world how strong you can be. How resolute. How wonderfully different. Unique. Special. I have to believe it first though. That is the first rule of success. Believe!
Some lessons have been harder to learn than others. The price paid for some is too steep to dwell upon. But each has been priceless. The bad ones are valued as much as the good. I have often gotten more self-knowledge from viewing my dark side than I could have gleamed any other way.
The quality of life glows with unlimited promise when you learn from mistakes. A good student feels pride at the things they master. The harder the lesson, the greater the pride. The most interesting lives often overflow with mistakes that inspire self-awaremess of unique intensity. All wise old women were once foolish young girls.
Heightend self-awareness is an awesome high like no other I have ever experienced. And it comes from inside. You control the dosage. Its purity is produced by the purity of your understanding and the way you use it to help others. Good intentions count for a lot in the equation.
My goal is to use whatever literary talent I have to teach all people to look deeper into each other's hearts. We mostly just rush on by one another, without really connecting. Pain is all around, no matter which way you turn. Exploring someone else's makes it impossible to leave your own untended.
I know what it feels like to be in intese pain from a multitude of various conditions. I understand that pain often makes us act in ways we normally would not choose to. I realize when you recognize why someone does something that wounds you, it makes the healing an easier struggle. Understanding makes forgiveness a less demanding issue. Sometimes the clemency belongs to others, but most often the hardest pardon is yours alone. It is the sweetest gift you will ever give yourself. I know.
My orbit is so small in space, but I have traveled far and wide emotionally my whole lifetime. Using what I have learned makes sense of all my suffering. Sharing it soothes me and just might help someone else.
It is all to easy to just drift through life. Most people do it without really trying. But I happen to posses an intense aversion to being lumped in with most people. I'm different. I know things.
I know that pulling on my bootstraps strengthens my spine. I know that my life is full when I stay true to myself. Denying any part of my being derails the whole. My thoughts are important, because I bother to think. My mind is always busy with deep thoughts that inspire questions and demand answers. When I channel that energy toward the written word it all has meaning.
Why should anyone else care about my wild imaginings? So many humans walk blind. If I was not in the habit of thinking deep I would be grateful if someone got my attention and explained the benifits of mind control. Some people know a lot of facts they learned in school, but know nothing at all about touching their own core or reaching out to someone else's. Those folks could learn valuable lessons from the special things that I know.


Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Priceless Friends

Family is what you are stuck with. You have no choice in whether they are compatable to your nature. They are your birthright, sometimes blessing, sometimes curse, but always as unpredictable as playing the lottery.
Friends, on the other hand, are handpicked, chosen by your heart for the benifit of your soul. They can and often do fill holes left by the needs not meet by families.
Friendships come in many different shades and flavors, each precious in its own right. Each unique to the needs met in two hearts. Having many does not lessen the importance of any one friend. Once placed securly inside your heart, each owns the spot they inhabit.
The heathiest friendships of all ask nothing more than the right to share space. They never seek to control; they never try to conquer territory not given freely.
Sometimes when you hold a winning ticket you find a perfect friend or two inside your family tree. But if you do not they are scattered everywhere as you travel toward journey's end. Choose wisely. Fill your heart to burstin. Make your life friend rich and no matter what your birthright was it will matter hardly at all.


Monday, October 18, 2004

Laughter--As Medicine

Medicine usually comes in pill, or injection form that sends healing throughout the blood stream, but the effects are not always instantly felt. Instructions for dosage and warnings about possible side effects are written in bold print, some of which sound much worse than the initial problem.
Laughter is the only medicine that comes from the inside out. It works best when shared. No known ill effects occur if you over do its use. And its benifits are instant.
Laughter is contagious. Laughter is healing. The more you produce the better you feel. The more you share the more you possess. If you happen to do too much, tears will roll down your face, but tears produced by hilarity are the best kind.
When offered some laughter, take a healthy dose. And never be scared to share what you have. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.


Sunday, October 17, 2004

Being Alone

After thirty years of marriage, being alone is a bit like living on a sister planet. The scenery might be a mirror image, but the atmosphere is altogether different. Relearning how to walk solo has taken determination, and battling guilt for any happiness I find in freedom, gained by my husband's death, has taken nerves of steel.
The world seems to be custom made for couples. Pairs are in evidence at every turn. One can be the loneliest number, yet there is no law that says it has to be. Independence is a strength and mastering it is a joy, no matter what caused it to be my reality.
Examining my loneliness and the symptoms it inspired as I traveled through its many stages has done much to ease its role in my life. At first I was lonely no matter where I was. Now I am rarely lonely at all, but when I am it never tears me to pieces or brings me to my knees.
During the abusive years of my marriage I suffered intense loneliness of the darkest kind. It was much harder to be lonely while I had a mate than it is to be lonely without one. Fear of reliving that kind of isolation may keep me safe from suffering it again, I hope so anyway.
Women are much more independent nowadays than when I was growing up. And many women are opting to live their lives alone, by choice, sharing space in a less traditional way. Knowing that I do not fear being alone enough to settle for less than I want in a relationship gives me the power to wait patiently for the option that is right for me.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

More than just a pretty face. Posted by Hello

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Did You Ever?? I have!!!

Did you ever dry someones tears with your smile?
Did you ever whisper, while others shouted and watch them quiet themselves so they could hear you?...I HAVE!

Did you ever consider that once grown you are in complete charge of your life?
Did you ever consider that once you have children, for a time, you control their lives?
Did you ever feel, all at once the joy of being your own master, the terror of being theirs, and the hilarity of it all?
Did you ever worry about a system that allows you to be in charge of anything?....I HAVE!

Did you ever notice how often the things we hate in others are things we do ourselves?
Did you ever change your behavior and realize that you are no longer nearly as irritated by bad habits now that you no longer mirror them?...I HAVE!

Did you ever hear a certain song on the radio in the dead of winter that transports you to a summer day, long forgotten?...I HAVE!

Did you ever resent the time spent sleeping because slumber is so akin to unconsciousness?
Did you ever have to fight your mind quiet so your body could rest?
Did you ever feel instant excitement upon awakening, as thoughts of lifes wonder fly free once more inside your head?...I HAVE!

Did you ever consider the cost of any actions commited out of spite?
Did you ever calculate the hours you will spend in misery that could have avoided by acting differently? The gain should be greater than the loss for the action to be worth any consideration.
Did you ever take your lumps proudly, knowing the punishment was worth the pain because the act gained more than the punishment took back?...I HAVE!

Did you ever notice how often someone without a smile will try to steal yours?
Did you ever feel like a sponge, soaking up the bad mood of others?
Did you ever spit the poison out, reclaim your space, and walk away whistling happily, unwilling to share space with anyone bent on stealing your delight?...I HAVE!

Did you ever wonder why you even try when others so often dont give a shit?
Did you ever see a perfect solution laying untouched, behind someone elses stubborn inability to share your vision for success?
Did you ever realize that you have come much too far to ever turn back?...I HAVE!

Did you ever notice how even a homely woman looks pretty when she is happy, or how even a pretty woman looks homely when she is not?...I HAVE!


This will be added to daily until I post all I have written so far, then as necessary as they occure to me. I will post all new notions at the top for the convience of my readers.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Did You Ever?? Pushing Boundaries And Conquering New Lands.

I am happy to take what life hands me, turn it into what makes me satisfied then share my knowledge with others. I embrace my life with eager arms, the joy gladly, the grief less happily, but I allow myself to feel.
Boredom rents no idle space inside my head. I see it in others, but I do not give it a place to grow inside of me. It is only your brains way of telling you that it needs more than you are feeding it. Change its diet. Let boredom drive you to the furthest place you can reach.
Let go of the blame. Where you are standing now may be the fault of someone else, but where you stand tomorrow is your choice alone. Bitterness will make you lame, and steal your life if you let it.
Change the things making you unhappy, or adjust your attitude to make them bearable. Your own thoughts often color things darker than they really are. Pick a happier color. Paint a picture that gives you hope. Grasp that hope, placing it firmly in your heart and watch it thrive.
Most important of all to the miles that you are able to put behind you before your journeys end is your belief in yourself. That alone will carry you further than you ever dreamed possible. You have to know who you are. You have to believe in your ability. You have to know your worth.
You have to find your passion and release it. What you want has to become what you need. What you need has to become what you demand. Your demands become your passion. Your passion will make it all possible.
So push your boundaries, and see how much land you can conquer. Keep your eyes ahead. Never stop moving forward, or see where your standing as your final destination. Walk on eager to view what is on the other side of the hill. Make your life a journey worth taking..........


Monday, October 11, 2004

Did You Ever?? Be a book worth reading.

If I were a book, would I be on the best seller list? Would I become a classic? Would I be a featured selection of Oprah's book club? My mind loves to consider such things. What ifs are a passion of mine.
What message would readers be left with once they closed the cover and held it all fresh in their minds? I believe that whoever we touch, however briefly, is influenced by it somehow. Would my influence at that moment be positive. If I left hope behind, or a quieter heart my chances of both best seller list and classic status would be assured.
Can readers relate to the things I have lived through? Can they understand what I did and why? Are at least some of my struggles human experiences that the masses can comprehend? Has my story line been enlightening, or did I spend the whole manuscript making the same mistakes?
Is there enough passion? Are the good moments bright enough to light even the darkest chapters of my story? Did I stay who I really was enough to let others see who I really was? Did I live my life or give it to someone else?
Did I whine too much; complain endlessly; frown more than I smiled; scream when a whisper would have been better heard? Did I cause more hurt than healing? Was I a bully or a victim of one? Was I honest to a fault or a liar to the bone?
If tomorrow it was printed for public view is enough resolved to make a happy ending possible? Will the people who read it be left with a hunger to know what happens next? Would I be asked to do a sequel?
Did I act out of spite too often? Did I give as much back as I took? Will the readers love my victories or delight in my defeats? Was my trail through life marked with people I damaged or helped? Have I let go of all the blame? Has my mind been open more than my mouth?
Was I slow to judge, if I bothered to judge at all? Did I expect too much, or not nearly enough? Did I look at the bright side every chance I had? Was the glass half empty or half full?
Did I pay enough attention to the things that really matter? Did I go the easy path for comfort or the right one for the strength of my soul? Did I make a difference; has anything around me been changed, for the better, because of something I did, or said, or wrote?
Did I kick an enemy when they were down or help them up and make peace? Did I pick fights or pick my fights? Did I have to be right too often or was I human enough to at least some of the time admit my wrongs with grace?
Would I be happy with the sum of its many chapters? Would I want to read it myself? The questions you ask yourself and the honest answers you give will tell you easily if your book would be worth the reading.
My answer is yes, but I am always striving to make the story more interesting. I look at that half full glass daily and try to add to the volume of its content.
I care much more about where I am heading than where I have been. I have learned all I can from the past and the future is wide open with possibliities. Any limits are self inflicted obstacles.
If an answer did not come to you the instant you read the question, take heart. I spent years in rewrites before I could finaly answer yes.


Sunday, October 10, 2004

Did You Ever??? The Real Value Of Money Question.

It is a daily consideraton at my house, in one way or another. To explain my own personal slant on this subject, I first need to tell you that money is not my God. To me it is just green paper that is made in a factory.
I never confuse the lack of money with the worth of a person. Your importance would not increase or decrease in my eyes even if your bank statement were pasted upon your forehead.
If you are worth knowing I will seek to know you for who you are, not what you possess. I hope you will return the favor. I am not for sale, and I can not afford to buy you. If you have a price tag, please peddle your wares somewhere else.
Some people work much too hard for much less than they are worth, while others work hardly at all for much more than they deserve. The sweat you give to your job rarely equals the pennies you end up with.
Some people are born wealthy, while others live and die without having much green paper. There are whole families that for generations have had more money then they could ever spend, living secure alongside whole families who for generations have never had enough. Most of us are somewhere in between.
It is important to avoid extremes when money is involved. Sometimes the more money you have the less value it has, or it has more value than it deserves, for all the wrong reasons. Its real value comes from the good it can accomplish. How much money you have is not a real measure of who you are, but how you use that money is. Money for moneys sake means nothing when measured through the eyes of those who have none.
The love of money has destroyed countless lives since man first invented it. Prisons are overflowing with the greedy. You keep yours if you have it. Worship it if that is your God. If your own measure, of your worth, is only what you possess live happily your narrow life.
I will keep my vision of green paper made in a factory. I will have less than you gladly and still know well my worth. I will be satisfied that I have never sold myself or bought a friend.
When I look at my fellow man I will look them in the eye, not in the purse. I will see clearly the person not the paper. I will share my worth in what I am, not what I own. Your pocket is safe from me, but your mind is another matter altogether. Your worth to me will be found there and if I enjoy the visit we will both come away richer for it, even if no one spends a dime.....

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Did You Ever????? Deserted Island Puzzle

Did you ever consider who you would choose to be stranded on a deserted island with? I imagine almost everyone reading this can answer yes. Most of you probably had little, if any, problem choosing a likely victim to take along.
But when my brain ponders this simple question, tons of puzzle pieces come flying at me, and so far i am still island stranded alone.
My mind works in the oddest way, never just giving a straight answer. Listed below are just a portion of the points of interest that occured to me as I pondered what should have been a no-brainer.

I might take someone different to a small island, with only one plam tree, than I would to one the size of Hawaii. The answer might be different if I knew that no matter how far I moved away from them they would still be right up in my face.

Being stranded with someone as afraid of snakes as I am makes no sense at all. Are snakes there easily frightened by loud screams of terror? If not, taking a sharpshooter with a keen hatred of reptiles might be my best bet.

Hunger is definitely not one of my favorite sensations. I can cook just about anything, but critter trapping and spear fishing are far beyond anything I am willing to attempt. Any thoughts of slaying furry creathers or gutting smelly fish send shivers down my spine. Someone well-trained in survival skills might be the right choice for a sidekick.

Without a private place to squat, taking anyone I would not be comfortable squatting around, would add unnecessary torment to the adventure. There are also many fine people that I would not care to view in that light. Some things are much better left to the imagination. Some others are completely unimaginable.

Certain people are easier to stomach in small bites. A weeks stranding with the wrong choice would feel similar to a years imprisonment.

Enough coffee, enough cigarettes, full pens, blank paper, and all the books required to keep my mind fed? I might take someone who shares my interest in books and make sure they neither smoke nor drink coffee.

Will we be picked up by a passing cruise ship after its captain notices our signal fire? Will we be flown home by a hellicopter crew that reads then responds to our boulder SOS? Will we have to build a raft? The answer to that question might point out the need to take a ship builder.

What if my guest is ready to leave long before I feel the need? Can they go, while I linger behind? Solitude can be very soothing to a weary soul. Taking someone then listening to them whine to go home seems a waste of a grand adventure. Knowing I could stay even if temporarily stuck with a killjoy would greatly lessen the chance of my commiting murder to gain peace and quiet.

Will I face danger getting to the sandy shores of my island, or will I just appear there as if by magic? Will the journey be painful? Could I be injured? A nurse, or better yet a doctor might be mandatory for a pain-free vacation.

If so, the list of potential guests will alter dramatically, since I would be uncomfortable being naked in front of a large number of people that I might ask along otherwise. Marking my children and my siblings off the list would be necessary if nudidy were required.

The longer I hold a question in my mind, the larger it grows. Since it would be foolheardy to go off half cocked on such a journey I am determined to stay home until more information becomes available.
Who would you choose? If my questions altered the way you make your choice, then my purpose will have been well served. For a while you will have been lost, on an island, your thoughts overflowing with images of people you love; or admire; or wish you knew.
The pictures you paint, in your own unique colors, will bring you comfort. The possible bizarre situations you weave will bend your mind and your lips upward.
Whatever your trip entails, wherever the journey ends, however big or small your island, I wish you joy. I ask you to consider just a few more of my ramblings as you depart.



Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Idle Notions

Frowns inspire ugly wrinkles, but smiles etch pretty lines. A face wears the personality of its owner, use dark colors sparingly, if at all.

The things you do not get out of your system can bounce around inside, causing needless internal injuries.

Immediate responses to negative behavior will lessen both the bite of a bully and his willingness to attack you again. It took me forty years to learn that lesson by heart. My very existence depends on remembering the many life lessons I have picked up as I traveled on my journey; this was one of the first, and has proven to be one of the most valuable.

Beware of settling. But if it becomes necessary never be satisfied to settle like dust blown by a hostile wind. Be like a rock that escapes from under a heavy step, rolling toward freedom and safety on solid ground.

Your face is your billboard. What are you selling?

Measuring Grief

How much sorrow is there to a pound,
What decible limit rules despairs haunted sound?
How many tears make up an even mile,
And what is fair punishment for stealing a smile?

How much misery equals an inch,
What balance of pain reaches perfect pitch?
How many ounces of melancholy can a broken heart hold,
And what stems the current when it finally overflows?

Each ache is different that much is true,
What wounds me doesn't necessarily bother you.
So there just is no equal measure that fits every pain,
Because your grief and mine are never quite the same.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

True Understanding

It occured to me today that some might wonder why I have ego enough to think anyone would give a flip about tips from me about weighty, soul-deep issues. In all fairness, I decided to explain some things about myself that will make it easier for the ones who question my motives. Empathy is my driving force. True understanding came not only from attending and surviving years of hard knock school, but also from thriving in spite of what happened to me and around me for fifty years.
I survived twenty years of abuse, both physical and mental. But I took it one step further and changed myself so that suffering more was impossible. I taught myself to cherish my three feet of personal space then taught my abusive husband to do the same. The last ten years of our thirty year marriage was blissful, because of the friendship that grew out of my reawakening.
He is gone now. Cancer took him, last year, at the age of forty-nine. I was his nurse, caretaker, but first and formost I was his best friend. And he was mine.
I survived watching my best friend die by inches and gladly gave all footsteps to him for the 10 months it took. I kept my panic and grief private, so as not to add to his torment. He loved a sassy woman, so I stayed sassy for his sake. He died at home, in my arms, while I whispered in his ear, wanting desperatly for my voice to be the last sound he heard.
I survived the grief and loneliness of my first year as a widow with the same determination to not visit my pain on others. My family watched and then followed my example of cherishing his memory in ways that brought real comfort. We talk of him often, dwelling on his strengths and forgiving his weaknesses. He walks strong and healthy in my memory and lives in real comfort in my heart. I regret nothing.
He suffered some misplaced guilt, for all the years of abuse, once he knew that our time together was limited. I can still hear him bemoaning the fact that it took him so long to get it right. Tears filled his eyes, but I couldn't cry too, because I was the strong one, the person he leaned on. My exact words to him were, "Jerry, don't sweat the small stuff. Some people live to be old as hell and never get it right. At least you got it right, sugar. That's more than most can say. We have now, don't waste time sweating the incidentals."
I survived. But in every way I could I also thrived. It is not ego that drives me to reach out to others. My lifepath led here, and embracing its promise is a pleasure and a privilage. Giving
comfort is my natural response, giving advice is just my way of saying your not alone in whatever struggle you happen to be involved in. Demons live within all of us, slaying them is liberating. Lending my sword to the battle just comes natural.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Tips For Finding Your Inner Core

1-Think of yourself as a person, not a lable. Rediscover who you really are, and go slowly from there.
2-Think of yourself as ageless, so that every day will be a gift, not a signpost telling how far from the beginning you are, or how near the end. Each day will be a new beginning.
3-Unpack your trunk. Don't be afraid. It's easy once begun, just visualize.
4-Listen to yourself and believe what you hear. Only by practice can that inner voice strengthen enough to be heard above the roar of the crowd.
5-When you find your core, protect it at all costs. The core holds all your answers; it is the only thing that truly belongs to you. Share it with others, but never surrender it to anybody else, because your ability to find real peace lives there.
6-Be positive even when you have no reason to be. Be positive even when you are surrounded by negative pressure. Be positive when pain feels like the only emotion you have left. The ability to think, and act in a positive manner will only strengthen with use. The emotions inside of you, which respond to positive thinking (confidence, faith, love, hope, etc.) will increase too as you exercise positive thinking skills.
7-Realize that others will often be confused, or threatened by changes in you. Do your best to reassure the people you love that the changes in you do not affect how you look at them, but only alter the way you view yourself. Be kind whenever possible-let the war be inside you where it belongs.
8-Make new friends who have no frame of reference of who you were. Paint your image, for them, with bright colors then glory in the reflection you see there.
9-Surround yourself with people who make you feel good inside.
10-Avoid bullies at all costs. Anyone who has to stand on you to feel better about themselves just isn't worth the effort. If you live with one, adjust his or her attitude with love, but be firm about your refusal to eat their waste.

11-Pick your battles. Do not argue your point of view in screaming matches. Keep still, using the time to decide what you will say softly once their breath runs out. If you refuse to respond to negative behavior with anything more than indifference others will use it less often as a tool of control. It is not the one who yells the loudest that makes peace;the one who speaks calmly and reasonably, while listening in the same way has the real power to work through problems.
12-Be honest with yourself always, even when the truth is painful. Things built on anything less will eventually crumble, setting your progress back. Embrace all the truths found in your search and work through the pain.
13-Realize that as you grow your ability to hurt others increases too. Do not be tempted to over-reach, or misuse your power. When others see you only use it to enact positive change, in the most nonviolent manner possible, they will be less threatened by your use of it.
14-Admit whenever you are wrong, first to yourself then the one offended by your actions. Eating crow is much easier when the bird is still warm.
15-Know yourself inside and out then let go. Take comfort from the good, do your best to change the bad, but accept your reality.
16-Never settle for less than is your due. Whatever the issue, decide your limits, hopes, and wishes then stand firm. Your opinion matters.
17-Bend when the situation warrants it, compromise is a healthy thing. But learn the difference between bending to a situation and bending to someone else for the sake of peace. The first will make you strong; the second will destroy your peace of mind.
18-Wipe the slate clean. Forgive past misdeeds freely with loved ones, as well as yourself. The only way you can change your future is by not reliving your past. Once a situation is resolved let it go forever. Begin each day free of the excess baggage negative emotions, (guilt, blame, resentment, etc.) cause inside of you. Learning positive thinking skills is impossible when you are saturated with negative emotions. Let it go.
19-As you gain confidence in yourself reach for new goals, new situations to master. Most limits in life are self-inflicted. Reaching past where you are today will assure that tomorrow you will not be standing frozen in the past, but creating the future.
20-When you have a set back, (and you will), do not let it stop you. Your commitment to becoming a whole, healthy human must be so unshakable nothing can destroy it.
21-Keep a journal. Write in it daily and read it often. You will gain invaluable insights, and seeing the direction of your footsteps is easier to do when it is mapped out in stark black and white.

I Happen To Be

I happen to be a widow, but that's only a small part of who I am. It's a label that leaves much unsaid. More of a condition tinting my lifepath with somber shades and slowing my footsteps to walking wounded speed, than a description that fits like a glove.
Smooth days hold the same wonder I've felt since my rebirth over ten years ago. But bumpy days have often left me feeling like a stuck far up a tree cat, clinging claws deep to a wobbly branch.
Those days have benifited me the most. Hateful hours spent climbing down unaided from lofty places have taught me to latch on to the tree just a gentle step up from ground level. That makes an easier escape possible, leaving some energy over for slaying the demons that inspired the tree clinging in the first place. Just an idle thought that I like to imagine might help someone else in their tree unclimbing efforts.

The Art Of Flying Free

First birth gave me life, a gift of uncertain value, in which I had no real say.
I wasted some precious time then gave the rest away.
Barely breathing, half-way through to journey's most certain ending,
I wrestled it back and gifted myself with a new beginning.

Coming to my senses felt like waking from a tightly clinging nightmare.
Old tired habits protested against change with frightful screams of terror.
A small grain of self roared all opposition in to sudden deafening silence,
And passion to do more than just exist forced a coward into instant compliance.

Every footstep ventured now, is dream driven and lovingly taken,
Toward a life that better fits my soul, than the one so long ago forsakeen.
A narrow rut wouldn't be near roomy enough to contain the visions that i see,
And autopilot couldn't teach me anything useful about the art of flying free.