Friday, November 05, 2004

Tips For Making Friends With Your Mate

1-Let them know you love them and that your only aim is to improve what you share. They will be less intimidated by any suggestion made in a loving manner than by demands made out of frustration.
2-Be yourself in the same way you would with a same sex friend, but go slowly at first. Understand any change in your normal actions will naturally put them off balance; going slowly gives them time to adjust to your new attitude.
3-Find time alone away from everyone and everything that will distract from total concentration on each other. No phones, no kids, and no time limits.
4-Talk about everything. Explain how you feel and why you feel that way. Sometimes the reasons behind your feeling are more important than the feelings themselves. Leave nothing hidden.
5-Take turns talking. Do not interrupt. If you stop them in mid-sentence, or mid-thought you will both miss important insights about each other, as well as some surprising ones about yourself.
6-Keep in mind what is a certainty; as things you reveal will often shock and sometimes distress your mate, the same will apply to you.
7-Do not be afraid to be the one to make the first move. You may have to begin again and again, it happens minute by minute sometimes.
8-Resolve all old issues in a calm manner. Get old baggage out of the way, but do it in a friendly manner, like friends should.
9-Forgive, forget, and go on. Once resolved let go. If your partner continues to revisit old demons do not join them. Explain your desire for a relationship free of the past, aimed toward the future. Push their demons toward them, and explain that it is up to them to slay them. If they are as committed as you are to achieving an equal partnership they will do their part to make it a peaceful union.
10-Realize early the vast differences between not only how males and females think, but also how they express those thoughts. Misunderstandings are easily possible without much effort on both sides, because our expectations are often poles apart. You can not make them think your way, but you can enlighten them on how your mind really functions. Just because they are clueless does not mean that they do not care, and is often simply a symptom of not enough information. Inform them when they need it, and allow them to return the favor.
11-Touch when you talk; as long as you are physically connected it is harder to close doors, or build walls.
12-When walls appear on either side, and they will from time to time, tear them down before the cement dries. When either person is sealed out the relationship can not grow, and that often causes backsliding into old habits, which have no place in your new relationship. If you are equally committed to each other, getting past the wall building stage is easier. But it takes time to unlearn old habits, so be patient.
13-Use pen and paper to address subject matter you have trouble gettin out in the open face-to-face. Gently, words are powerful tools and deadly weapons so do not argue on paper.
14-Be unpridictable, break old tired habits.
15-Do not over analyze. Do not crowd them. Do not let them crowd you.
16-Celebrate your differences as what makes your relationship special. Your differences make you unique, they can be utilized to make your relationship unique too.
17-Be proud when others find your mate attractive. Be honest, would you really want to be with someone nobody would ever try to hit on. Keep it all in perspective.
18-Be as willing to praise good behavior as you are to condemn bad ones.
19-Let them have enough space to grow. Remember just because you love them that does not mean you own them.
20-Be willing to say you are sorry when you should, and you are wrong when you are. Do not make assumptions about what they know about feelings not voiced. Say it out loud, because unless they are psychic they will not know what you are feeling without hearing it from you.