Wednesday, June 01, 2005

True Joy

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. George Bernard Shaw, Irish dramatist & socialist (1856 - 1950)

Having a reason to function is a life changing force. Giving yourself over to a purpose then being used up for its sake is not a hardship. Ruts do not hold such delights, so I am very glad I climbed out of mine years ago. I just hate to ponder what bitterness my heart would hold now if I had continued to rut plod through life.
If I had been abused right up until Jerry got ill and beyond how could I have given what was asked of me. How could I have kept a smile on a dyeing mans face with resentment driving my actions. Not a day passed in ten long months when I did not put on a happy face for his sake. And the cost to me was dear, and well worth every moment of comfort I proudly gave him.
Day's tumbled one into the next, breathing mostly hurt, as if shredded glass was my air. I held him up then let him go with strong arms, while a silent scream echoed without release inside of me. I knew my time to voice it would come, it just was not necessary to make him hear it too.
Bitterness comes from regret. I will never grow bitter from what happens to me, because I realize that it comes from inside out. It is not something that someone else forces upon you, but what you force upon yourself. It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it. Life is a series of choices, bitterness seems such a foolish option.