Saturday, February 19, 2005

Fighting Demons

The absence of touch is a condition that I suffer from that has me seeing the gift of human contact in the most magical way. I pay attention to how it drives me and do my best to minimize the amount of screw ups I make for the sake of a gentle hand on my face. Sometimes I overcome, sometimes not, but I learn every lesson I can about what makes me tick and why from every encounter.
I know I do not suffer alone, even though it often feels as if I do. I realize that the world is over populated with very touchable people who for one reason or another find themselves untouched. It is the club that few join voluntarily. It is the only thing that has the power to inspire a flood of melancholy tears if I allow my mind to linger over-long there. For sanity's sake I do not allow that often.
I always hug friends now. I hug my children too, when given the chance. I end all conversations with all loved ones with an I love you. A lot of that comes from knowing first hand what a tenuous grasp we have on mortality, but some of it comes from a need to touch.The types of touch are limitless. When one sort is absent, cherishing all others makes that lack an easier bitter pill to swallow.
I am strong, but I am not made of stone. We all have demons. That is one of the main messages of Journey's End. Facing demons is what I do every day. After a lifetime of practice I am wise in what works best for me, and share what I know to benefit my fellowman, but I fail sometimes too.
Case in point: I have not mentioned smoking for a while, because I have started smoking again. I waited to admit it until I was certain I was not going to stop again, and none the wiser. I will not make lame excuses to justify my failure. I will not say sorry I let you down, because I did my best and that is all I can promise. I will not admit to being nothing more than good intentions, which I find laughable in the extreme.
I will say as of now it is an addiction that has me, but I have more tools for the next try, if I decide to make another attempt. I recognize some triggers that would need to be eliminated first to make the battle easier to win. I have battled much larger demons and overcome them, so I do not see myself as less capable because I did not succeed this time. But I hope it makes you see me in a more realistic light. Some answers I earned, some I still seek. It is what the journey is all about. The search for understanding never ends when you are determined to grow. Failure is part of that. Admitting failure is too. Forgiving failure in yourself and others is easier if you remember that any attempt at all is a mighty victory when not trying is completely effortless.