We can be sure that the greatest hope for maintaining equilibrium in the face of any situation rests within ourselves.
Francis J. Braceland
O Magazine, April 2003
Well this quote couldn't have come at a more opportune time. At the moment I'm completely overwhelmed by things going on around me and with me, barely able to maintain my equilibrium let alone advise anyone else how to balance theirs. I know by heart the steps that need to be taken, because the quiet voice gives calm directions, but number one on the list is that I need to be absent from this place for a time.
That in itself poses more pressure. I know some come daily to read here and when I don't write I feel guilt at giving nothing. But at the moment I have nothing of value to give to anyone except myself. If I come unraveled nobody will benefit. So once again it's bootstrap tugging time and I must place my steps back into a rhythm that lets me grow at a pace I'm comfortable with.
I'm of the opinion if I have to take medication to cope, things are totally out of kilter. I'm not at that point yet, but it's near enough for me to ponder the benefits, which is much to near. I didn't medicate myself through anything else I have faced and I'm not about to begin now. Nothing is as bad as what I faced two years ago, so things will balance if I step back from the pressure enough to stand erect again.
My problems and issues are private; if you notice I'm not in the habit of going into details about anything except what helps to get past things. Dwelling on anything in minute detail just keeps the wounds seeping, so my issues are not up for dissection here. But if I learn anything new on this journey back to some basic priorities I'll eventually voice them here.
Don't imagine that I'm abandoning my writing, all I'm doing is shifting my seat a few feet to sit in front of my other computer to give all my attention to my novels. And I'm shifting my focus from my family here to the ones I was born into or birthed myself. I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago, but the speed of change has given me no time to adjust, so I'm gifting myself with enough space to rediscover my own balance and get to know myself, soul-deep, once again.
Once a week, on Friday, I'll add something here. Don't expect quotes or pictures, but as always I'll try to make it something of value and comfort. Worry not about me, I'm simply plugging in to my core and listening only to its voice. I've had too many voices demanding attention lately, tugging me this way and that. If I don't stand strong now, I'll simply return to old habits that took me much too long to overcome.
I'll visit here daily, reading the almost 400 posts I've done in just over a year. I gain and regain insight from reading here the same as anyone else, so I'm going to start at the beginning and travel through it all in measured steps. I'm not seeking to relive the pain, but to relive the healing.
I'd hoped that this place could support my novel writing somehow, but maybe it's meant to be the other way around. I plan on contacting editors in my area and asking them to visit here, maybe what I do would work as a weekly in a paper. Right now the only thing I'm certain of is that I have natural talent for writing and an ability to connect my energy to others enough to bring real comfort. I didn't seek either, but it's so much a part of me that letting it get damaged for any reason is akin to suicide. I simply won't allow it to become less important than it is. My soul is valuable to more than just me, but if I don't tend it then it will shrivel to nothing in no time at all.
And my love of backgammon will drive me to visit as a guest and play from time to time so friends play a guest, it just might be me. Emails will continue as before, but chatting on msn or yahoo is something I'll only do from time to time. I have much to do and a limited time to do it, so I have to use it wisely or lose it altogether. Seems a total waste to waste what I paid so dearly for by ignoring its passing.