Friday, October 14, 2005

Independent Awareness Of Self

The man who is aware of himself is henceforward independent; and he is never bored, and life is only too short, and he is steeped through and through with a profound yet temperate happiness. He alone lives, while other people, slaves of ceremony, let life slip past them in a kind of dream.
Virginia Woolf

Being independently aware is not all wine and roses, sometimes it demands taking hard looks at things and making informed decisions to change things that will only cause more damage than good in the end. Cloud nine is a nice place to visit, but reality can slam you to the ground in a second flat. Having the capacity to face truths and still find happiness is a byproduct of total awareness.
I faced some of those kinds of truths today, but it did not upend my happiness. Learning from everything is my creed. Love is risky, sometimes worth of the chances, sometimes not. Life has one kind of hardship on a solo flight, quite another with a co-pilot. Bottled rage cannot coexist with total peace without one of them being altered, and I just do not possess the energy, or the inclination to force a change in someone else or allow one to be forced upon me.
Love remains, but transformed into what it is, not what is wished for. Independent awareness of self knows the whys of things, understands the limits, crosses the boundaries to meet needs to wants, then crosses back again, without spite, when the occasion demands it.
I was unhappy forever, it seems, and determination to hold onto the silence of my soul is the birthright I received at my awakening. This tower princess is not happy with the location of her castle, but she is very satisfied and happy with the location of self. To be me is a wondrous thing, and as long as I remain true to that and adopt lessons learned as I go, I will be more than happy, I will be truly alive.