Monday, July 11, 2005

Enjoy Who You Be

You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are.
J. Jacques

The struggle to be whom ever someone else wishes you were is a futile battle with no possible winners. I tried for years to earn love by turning inside out, fashioning myself into whatever shape demanded and it just never earned me anything but grief. And it has left a shadow that surfaces from time to time, blocking out the perfect light of the future with a fog cast from many yesterdays.
The fact that I will never be satisfied to stand forever where my feet are resting today requires constant change. Issues sometimes reappear, dressed in unfamiliar clothes, a horse of a different color, but a horse all the same. I have finally admitted to myself that this struggle will continue to demand revaluation and remodeling of internal space.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to simply nose down, not thinking actions that numb the brain. Plodding along is so much safer. But I know this path is where I belong and it is not a possibility to end my journey here. So I fight demons and try to bring light to places over shadowed by the past.
I am nothing special, no better than some and much worse than others. I am simply a walking wounded woman who hated who I was, dedicated to enjoying who I be, on any given day, while struggling along the way to whoever I am destined to become.