Friday, July 15, 2005

A Better Way To Be Happy

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.
Samuel Johnson English author, critic, & lexicographer (1709 - 1784)

The thing I dread most is inflicting pain upon others, although I am sure my children would argue that from time to time I seem to enjoy it very much. In the past I often wounded myself in order to avoid hurting anyone else, or broke something cherished as punishment for pain I caused someone I loved. Now I do not feel driven to the same behavior, but it still rips me apart if I wound and I still do all I can to avoid it. I hope that never changes.
Trust may be a much harder nut to crack, because the past has left a shadow I am struggling to shine the light of reason upon. I trust things people say, my problem begins with gathering together enough trust to really let someone completely into my space. Coming to terms with this unexpected issue is something I will work to adjust to, and I doubt very much that I will ever again entertain the notion that I am completely together. But even fractured and aching with growing pains is much better than the time in my life when I felt nothing except agony.