Sunday, May 15, 2005

Solo Journey

Think of giving not as a duty but as a privilege.
John D. RockefellerJr., 1874-1960, American Philanthropist
Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself. - Elie Wiesel, Romanian-born Activist and Novelist

Yesterday was spent helping my best friend clean out the camper that will be our home on many weekends this summer. Memorial weekend will be spent in our state capital, with B.E.T. Raceway members, who are flagging the races held there that weekend. I am very excited about attending, and watching the races from the pit is a real treat. And meeting new people is always a joy.
But I am even more excited to be going to Springfield, which I have never visited. It is almost criminal that I have never been to the capital, since I do not live so very far as all that, and one of my brothers lives near there. Jerry would never go, I asked many times, but he always said someday. Someday never came, which is a life lesson all in itself.
This is the summer of many small road trips of my own. I still suffer from a shadow of the past where I was made dependent and if I leave it go, I may never adjust to flying free behind the wheel, except on roads I have traveled over and over for my lifetime. When I get near the edges of familiar terrortory I get tense.
I tell myself the world really is not flat and I will not suddenly drop off the edge, but even though my mind registers that fact the bogey man still rides shotgun. I know there are things about me, forged steal strong during the bad times, that I will have to live with. But accepting the terms they set is not an option. The past set limitations and it is up to me to push them back as far as I am capable of.
I admire women who can drive anywhere, like it is no big thing. I am not one of them. But I can strive to emulate them, even though I will never reach the place in my life where I can big city drive, I do not have to stay at tiny town level. On our trip to Springfield I will be paying close attention, so I can remake a solo journey before too very long. And an atlas is on my shopping list, because planning ahead takes a lot of the fear out of any endeavor.