Sunday, April 10, 2005

Filling Empty Spaces

Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there. Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

We all have empty spots that need tended to, a bit like a computer that needs defraged, still functioning, slow to respond, with too many cannot find server pages popping up. What we stuff in to the holes matters so much to our health and happiness. Choosing wisely takes forethought and attention to detail that is often totally ignored in the process. Hurry up is not the attitude to adopt when tackling a task with such long reaching effects, but this is a world that inspires rushing in all things big and small.
When I fall into a hole or trip on a crack, I try to fill it with something that expands, making the weak spot stronger than anything surrounding it. Silly putty just does not do the trick. Letting someone else attempt to fix what is broken never works, nobody can see a clearer vision, of what is inside, than you can.
Once I was mostly empty space. Too many voices, too much pain, too many years of silence, it all worked together to empty me of self and fill me with nothing but confusion. Who I was supposed to be changed so often it was staggering to my peace of mind. Mostly my mind stayed in pieces, like a jigsaw puzzle made up of ever altering proportion.
I am mostly full now, but it was no picnic getting to this stage. It was often brutal; facing real truths about others and about yourself has a habit of costing dearly. It is the best investment I ever made. Well worth the price, And the pay off is something I can be proud of. I am far from perfect, but I am perfectly happy with how far I have traveled and more certain every day that the final destination will be a place worth owning.