Sunday, March 20, 2005

Scale Balancing

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.
Robert Fritz

For the first 40 years of my life I did nothing more than compromise myself and invite others to do likewise. I was constantly torn apart trying to make everyone happy. I pleased nobody in the end, least of all myself. Things are different, because I see the cost of love and life from a completely opposite point of view nowadays.
I believe any affection that demands the death of self before it is given is too dear a bargain, by far. I could not find any happiness from someone doing something for me that caused them unhappiness. I could not enjoy a pleasure that inspired pain. And anyone who really loves me will feel the same concern about the cost of what they ask of me as I do about what I ask of them. But my past makes the asking a difficult thing, to say the least.
I am more apt to take what is given freely than to demand more than is offered. If I have to wrestle affection from someone I simply do not want any part of it. That does not mean that I take shit from others, it means that anyone who professes to really love me will not need to be begged to do it correctly. A healthy love will never seek to destroy. But victims of love litter the landscape, I know because I once rested there myself. Like recognizes like, yanno!
The choices I make in the pursuit of my happiness are colored by the things I have survived. Knowing what I do not want is sometimes much more important than being certain of what I do. I would much rather suffer the agony of loneliness because I am alone than live with the deeper pain of being isolated within a relationship. I will not give up my right to make my own choices, or limit my choices when in the end I am the one that will pay the price for the things I do or fail to do.
There is a freedom to that, but it also puts all responsibility at my door. I can no longer place the blame for any unhappiness upon others. I can not act the victim while living a life that is chosen by me. True realization of that unavoidable fact is driving me toward the building of a life that is as equal in value to the cost of the living of it. Balancing the scales is my job now.