Thursday, March 31, 2005

A Self Worth The Struggle

The farther behind I leave the past, the closer I am to forging my own character. Isabelle Eberhardt

I have played many roles in my lifetime, one overlapping the next, but really being who I was meant to be is yet to come. Children have no choice in their parents, siblings come as they may, birth families are a hodgepodge of chance, mates are chosen haphazardly, but when all is said and done who you become is self inflicted.
There are so many things the young do not really realize, even if they hear it a million times. I was so clueless, about so many things, before I turned forty and I have been turning ever since. Life and love kicked me in the teeth over and over, but it was almost as if the pain simply accumulated until my fortieth birthday. I thought that was the last huge turning point, but just lately I realized something important about what happens next.
I had an awakening, and believed that I became me at that moment, but all I really did was stop being whatever others expected. Without notice I have been gathering the tools needed for what is before me now. Shedding the costumes, of roles outgrown and outlived, has taken a long time. As each layer was pealed back I found debris, dealing with clean up was a necessary chore. It seems I am soul deep now, and the shedding has begun again. Damage control has its place in the mix it seems.
Finding myself suddenly alone left me no choice but to plot a path all my own. There is a freedom to that, yet it can feel overpowering too. I must learn the song of my soul as I have had to learn so many other things. To earn my way I must always be willing to face hard truths, and eager to carefully mend as I go. When I find my perfect rhythm I will know I wear the last costume, one hand sewn with thoughtful stitches. If I choose fabric of sufficient strength it will serve me well for however long I am blessed with the role of a self worth the struggle.